I’ve just read a graphic memoir by Paula Knight called The Facts of Life that seemed to reflect my own life. It’s an intensely personal story that tells of how the 47-year old author came to give up her pursuit of motherhood.
The novel follows the story of Polly, a 1970s child who grows up assuming she’ll probably have babies one day like most people. Along the way she watches nuclear-horror drama Threads and witnesses the AIDS tombstone adverts on prime-time TV: the EXACT same things that put the shits up me. Also, that dirge that was in the charts for ages, ‘I’ve Never Been To Me’? Who knew she was singing about being childless and pitiful!
Polly is ambivalent about parenting: her head is filled with the same “negative chatter” about becoming a mother that plagued me, too – it’s almost as if she is trying to talk herself out of it, which is exactly how I was.
She has an exhausting chronic illness (ME/CFS) which complicates things further, but in her mid-thirties she and partner Jack decide to give parenthood a go. It’s a rough, frustrating, sad journey: by the time Polly is 39, they have had three miscarriages and borne insufferable periods of waiting that end only in fresh disappointment.
Knight is spot-on with the typical comments that Polly gets, like “At least you know you can get pregnant” when she miscarries (FYI: never a helpful remark after age 35).
Her poignant vignettes will be familiar to many:

So many bells rang for me whilst reading this. Polly’s mum had breast cancer, like mine: this is one of the factors that dissuades her from doing IVF. For me, ingesting hormones during treatment after seeing my mum die of estrogen-receptive breast cancer felt like torture. Polly also decides against adoption:
“Deep down, I know that my need for a child would never be as great as its need for me”
I related to that, for sure.
All the uncertainty, the limbo, is too much for the couple; they want to prioritize Polly’s health and their own happiness. So they move on.
Knight explores the painful questions that can assail you on a bad day, such as: what will happen to my precious bits and pieces, my sentimental legacy, if I have no children or siblings?
And the way that time accelerates, your future suddenly gaping ahead on fast-forward:
“Without a child in my life between now … and some time later … my mortality came sharply into focus”
What if your partner dies first? Who’ll arrange your funeral? Will anyone come? Polly muses, as I do sometimes, on starting an old folks’ commune. She feels guilty about Jack not having the chance to become a father because of her defective body; he might run off and impregnate a younger woman.
Sigh. I feel like Paula Knight has been inside my head.

Despite the limitations imposed by Polly’s ME/CFS, chinks of light start to appear: fun and fulfilment start to return to their lives (which, as I always say on here, just happens).
The general population, as usual. find it harder to accept: “I can’t imagine life without mine”, says one friend; also (hello again, old chestnut): “Have you thought about adoption?”.
In interviews, Paula Knight has talked about the need to educate children in the idea that it’s OK to grow up and not have babies, for whatever reason. The latter part of her book explores how fixedly family-centric our culture is:
“As a person without kids, you must prepare to be effaced in a society where ‘family’ means ‘children’ “
She talks about the lonely disconnect you sometimes feel in situations with parents and children, how everything revolves around mothering, and the joy of bonding with fellow non-parents. She describes the euphoria that can take hold, until you have a setback, such as hearing that you might have had success if you had done X or Y.
It’s amazing really: Knight nails everything about this strange journey.
The final pages explore the impact that pronatal ideology has had on attitudes towards non-parents. She also examines the so-called biological urge and asserts that ambivalence is inherently normal: for this alone she’s my new hero. Many of her ideas are similar to the ones that inform my own leanings towards a childfree outlook.
“I don’t believe that my sense of fulfilment would have been complete at the point of childbirth”
Paula Knight is keen to spread the message that a life without offspring is not a lesser life. I think The Facts of Life has the potential to drive this home to a wider demographic. It’s a beautiful book and at times I felt I was reading my very own thoughts.
On closing Knight’s book I get the reassuring sense that she’s just fine with the way her life turned out.
Inspiring.
The Facts of Life, by Paula Knight, is published by Myriad Editions, £16.99.
http://www.myriadeditions.com/books/the-facts-of-life/#buynowmodal
I hadn’t heard of this memoir, thanks for writing about it! I’m looking forward to reading.
““As a person without kids, you must prepare to be effaced in a society where ‘family’ means ‘children’ “ – ain’t that the truth?
LikeLiked by 2 people
I love everything she says in it
LikeLike
Thank you for posting about it, I didn’t know it before.
This sentence reflects exactly how I feel:
“She feels guilty about Jack not having the chance to become a father because of her defective body”
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s the kind of reading where you do a lot of nodding in recognition…
LikeLike
This sounds like an amazing book. I have been on a book-buying binge lately, I guess I’ll add this one to the list! I definitely think that there are a lot of implicit messages that you WILL have children. I see teachers do it at school (and I usually but in “IF” or “IF you choose”)…because not everyone who doesn’t have children wanted them and couldn’t, and I feel that my friends who fit into that category face a lot of unwarranted commenting and even discrimination. There’s a lot of “You’ll change your mind, you’ll see” that to me is akin to the “Have you thought of?” thrown so carelessly to those of us who don’t have children but wanted them to varying degrees of intensity. I am a bit concerned for the next person who asks me “Have you thought of?” or “Why didn’t you?” because of my current state and how disrespectful it is not to think that people have made very thoughtful decisions. For the sake of health. And relationships. And happiness. That seagull one may have wrenched some tears from my face. Thank you for reviewing this book, it looks spectacular. I will be sure to do my part to make sure that all the 8th graders I come in contact with know that all kinds of lives are valued, whether they have children or not, whether they wanted them or not. I think it should absolutely be just as discussed that people don’t have children as much as they do have them, and that is okay. That it is not okay to assume that everyone is a parent or will be and that’s the only valuable life out there. Because you’re right, those messages are EVERYWHERE. Especially as Mother’s Day comes around the corner…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Jess I love that you say “IF you choose”… If it were ingrained in us as a choice rather than another stage on the conveyor belt then things would be easier on everyone, from those who choose to be childfree to those who don’t but continue to get all the thoughtless comments. Still amazes me that someone can say “have you thought of X,Y,Z” to someone who has run the gauntlet of years of infertility; bit like saying “have you thought about applying for a job” to someone who’s depressed because they’re out of work…
LikeLike
I remember reading “Good Eggs” a few years back and outside of loving there being an infertility memior that didn’t end with parenting after pregnancy, I also loved the graphic novel aspect. Thank you for sharing this review showing there’s another one out there!
We do need to educate society in general about what constitutes “family.” No ifs ands or buts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I don’t know that other book, must be what Mali was talking about too; will deffo check that out, thanks Christy!
LikeLike
Although, yes, all our journeys are different, we really all do experience an awful lot of the same feelings, and interactions with the outside world, don’t we? I didn’t realise this was a new book, because there was something similar published some years ago in this graphic form. Every book, though, reassures us that we’re not alone, we’re not crazy to think some of the things we think (or thought), and that we will be okay. And that is good news.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Mali x
LikeLike
Paula is so right about the need to educate children that it’s OK to grow up and not have them. I hadn’t heard it put that way before, yet it’s so vital. Why should those marginalised by a narrow outdated culture have to do all the heavy-lifting when it comes to spreading awareness and legitimising the diversity of family set-ups. Women’s sexuality and maturity is immediately, and ceaselessness, bound up in fertility given ‘educationalists’ are in like Flynn with fretting over it since girls are barely on the cusp of building their own identity. Love this fizzing review of a brilliant work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much Dept. I do wish that they would present this choice to kids, along with all those diagrams of the wonders of the reproductive system in all its glory, and all the ways of avoiding getting up the duff too young. It was never mentioned as a possibility in my day and I don’t think it is now.
LikeLike
Wow. Sounds really good. Thanks for telling us about this book.
As usual, this leaves my head spinning with thoughts to share about my own infertility-to-childfree journey. I hope you don’t mind this long post.
I love kids, but I was never a “baby person.” When we started trying, I just imagined myself trudging through the diapers years to get to a real kid. Plus, I figured once the baby was my own, it would be different (as we’re often told). To this day, I’ve still never changed someone’s baby’s dirty diaper (I’ve only done wet ones).
I also have a huge sense of family. I didn’t necessary feel that I needed kids to have family, because both my husband and I have siblings (all brothers). Well, that didn’t work out and is a story for another time. We were basically left all alone. That was really hard on me, because I love having family gatherings. I not only had to come into acceptance that I would never experience childbirth and parenthood, but I had to accept that I didn’t have any family…at all…besides our parents, which wouldn’t be around forever. Friends were scarce where we lived too. It’s a long story, but our friends lived 1,200 miles away after we had to move for work reasons (in-laws were nearby though).
BTW, I had one miscarriage and I also heard, “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much Lori. I was never ever a baby person myself – more a dog person really… although I always liked toddlers and young kids and was always good with that age. I hated the idea of the sloppy baby years. This did put me off trying to have kids until later I suppose. The whole question of ambivalence is fascinating – if it were more acceptable to just not have kids, would those “on the fence” types happily not bother? Do most women not like the idea of the nappy years? If we had better communities, would we fear being alone less? I also have few friends and no family where I live, but I’m getting used to it – I still fear for the future, though…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like this one, “If we had better communities would we fear being alone less?” Good questions though, on all accounts. I know what you mean about the future. I knew very little about dogs until I got a puppy because I couldn’t have kids. That dog was my entire life. Now I can’t believe I missed out on dogs for so long. They are a gift to humanity.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I totally agree about dogs, although I have parent friends who laugh at me when I say it…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I must order this book soon :-). Thanks for writing about it.
Happy Easter weekend to you!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Elaine happy belated Easter I was having a screen break!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Paula Knight Illustrator-Writer and commented:
A great review of my book, The Facts of Life, from Different Shores – a blog about childfree living.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ooh, thank you for bringing this book to my attention! I’m going to order it and Good Eggs right now. I love graphic novels and I love anything that validates my experience as I continue to navigate infertility in this very fertile, pronatalist world.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Phoenix! It is very validating
LikeLike
“The final pages explore the impact that pronatal ideology has had on attitudes towards non-parents.” This alone is so important to get into our social discourse. Great addition to the work needed on this complex topic. Thanks so much for bringing this book to light. xo
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cheers Pamela.
I will go back to that last part of the book again to help pull together and understand my own feelings about pronatal ideology: it’s helpful and succinct x
LikeLike
I am so happy to have found this blog. Although I am not child free, it took ten plus rounds of ivf to make that the case. I can now say first hand that a child(ren) do not make life happy (to be clear I personally am quite happy but have always been) but rather the incessant pressure from society to procreate finally subsides. It is such a shame. I know a number of mothers who really don’t enjoy it and probably would have chosen a different path had it not been so socially ostracized.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks so much for commenting: wow, 10 plus rounds, you are definitely a veteran! That must’ve been hard. I love hearing from parents on here about their side of things: a balanced perspective is important
LikeLike
I seem to remember Paula & her work from my early days of blogging, perhaps it’s “Good Eggs” I’m thinking about. I will look forward to searching out this volume as well as the older one!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I must check out this Good Eggs
LikeLike
Yeah, I think that’s the one I was thinking about.
LikeLike
I, too, love graphical novels. I’ll have to check it out. Thanks of your very thoughtful review and making “text-to-self connections” (that’s how they teach 2nd graders how to relate to books here). You’ve given me a lot to think about here and reflect upon.
No one’s ever told me “at least you can get pregnant” because I’ve never had a BFP on my own or a positive HCG. If I do decide to share my story to someone, which usually is 8 times out of ten that I regret doing it based on their reaction, I’m sure they’re thinking that “oh she’s just infertile.” And I’ve gotten that reaction before, something along the lines of “you’re infertile, just get over it.” It’s a deflating feeling. But I reject that notion. Just because it hasn’t happened for me after 60 tries (yes 60 tries), doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen.
The author is exactly correct when she writes that childfree/childless are effaced in a society where ‘family’ means ‘children.’ So, so, true. We host “family friendly” events at my work and all the events revolve around activities children would enjoy. What about families without children? Are they chopped liver?
When I was growing up in the late 80s and 90s, with Baby Boomer parents, my parents were always going to events where “no children were allowed.” I don’t remember there being so many children-friendly events that they have now. A lot of times were were told “adults only, no children allowed” and we had babysitters. So I’m guessing these adults only events (NOT swingers events ha ha) were friendly to the childless and childfree as well as parents. Those days are over. I’m guessing Generation X, when they became parents, included children in these events? Ending on a light-hearted note, I like how the title, “Facts of Life” also references the 80s TV show. Maybe that’s not intentional.
LikeLike
It’s interesting how the situation changed dramatically between our own childhoods and the childhoods of the kids of Gen X parents. Like two different universes really. I often wonder what kind of parent I’d have been, whether I’d have backlashed against my own parents or been the same. Who knows..
LikeLiked by 1 person
So it was the same for you (I know we are 10 years apart in age) – a lot of adults only events. Interesting. Yes, I credit Generation X for being annoying parents. One theory I read is that they were the latchkey generation when both parents worked or a single parent was working. They didn’t want their kids to experience what they experienced as latchkey children – distant parents. That’s only a theory and I realize that is a generalization. The Baby Boomers, even though people have their issues with them, seem more down-to-earth as parents, but definitely not laid back but not obsessed with their kids. Or at least that’s my experience with the Baby Boomers in my life. Are you parents Baby Boomers or older than Baby Boomers? They say people who vow to not be like their parents actually “become” their parents at age 32. The study didn’t cite if the participants were parents or childfree.
LikeLiked by 1 person
My parents were born 1950 and 1951. They were definitely not fixated on their kids like Gen X are. That’s interesting about becoming your parents at age 32! I have traits of my mother although I don’t know what she’d have been like in her 40s had she lived that long; I don’t think I’m like my father but not sure. Maybe we can’t control these things….
LikeLiked by 1 person
My parents also are Baby Boomers – 1949 and 1950. I’m the oldest. Same with my parents about not fixated on kids- is it a Boomer thing? My parents aren’t obsessed with children or their offspring, unlike Gen X.
I’m so sorry, I forgot your parents have since passed. Sorry if I cam across as triggering or insensitive. It’s my hypothyroid brain fog. Yes, I don’t remember where I read where we become our parents at age 32 – next time I will save links in my Evernote. I’m so sorry your mom passed way too soon. How devastating. 😦
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey no worries! Yes I think it’s definitely a Boomer trait to be very hands-off with your kids
LikeLiked by 1 person