Since investigating all things childfree and childless, I’ve become curious about why some people react so violently to infertile people who state that ‘everybody has the right to have a child‘.
Over the years I’ve heard angry rants from family and friends – always in the context of IVF and infertility – about women who make this claim, and I’ve seen hundreds of vitriolic comments under every article containing the statement.
I didn’t viscerally desire children so I never put up a fight. But in the back of my head I’ve always thought: surely deciding to have a baby IS, actually, clearly defined as a basic human right? Anyone can have as many children as they like, when they like, however wretched their condition in life. Can’t they?
Sure enough, the United Nations and the WHO do recognise this as a human right.
Reproductive rights rest on the recognition of the basic right of all couples and individuals to decide freely and responsibly the number, spacing and timing of their children and to have the information and means to do so, and the right to attain the highest standard of sexual and reproductive health.
So yes, anyone can have as many as they like, whenever they like. Even if there’s a court order in place to remove each baby at birth because of maltreatment. There are no caveats in place, as far as I know.
Yet those railing against the infertile repeatedly say things like:
No one has the right to have a child! It’s a privilege!
I started to find the language irksome. The sad infertiles were duds without rights, consigned to help sort out the world’s population problems or provide homes for all the unwanted children that other people had exercised their rights to give birth to.
I was irked again last week when a dear friend of mine (a mum) made a comment out of the blue about a TV character desperately trying to have a baby via a surrogate. The line “we have a right to have a baby!” really annoyed her. In fact she found demands of this nature “sickening”.
When I asked her why, she said:
Personally, I think you have the right to have a baby if you can have a baby, but you don’t have the right necessarily if you can’t.
I have to admit I was taken aback. There’s something surprisingly shocking and personal about being told you don’t have the right to do something that everybody around you is doing, because you have a reproductive disorder. Also, where does this logic leave single and gay potential parents?
Have you ever heard an argument that successfully articulates why this basic right should disappear if the person cannot conceive without assistance?
My approach is naive as I know little about ethics in this area but I am genuinely curious about people’s opinions and insights.
I’m not sure about the ethics involved here, but I do know a big argument against conceiving with assistance, whether IVF or a surrogate, is that it’s against nature. Nature has made it impossible for the person/couple to conceive therefore they should not. From there the argument tends to get into aspects involving religion at which point I usually tune out because I find that once a person starts giving religious reasons why something should/shouldn’t be it’s just pointless to continue the conversation. Rarely will their mind be changed.
I think another argument against conception assistance would be population control. There are so many children who don’t have a home that rather than artificially creating new humans we should maybe be trying to encourage those who can’t conceive to adopt a child who already exists.
I have family members who only have children because of IVF and I fully admit that sometimes I have thought “Maybe the universe was trying to tell you something when you couldn’t have kids.” These people are not ideal parents and their children all have various emotional problems which as an outside observer over all these years I can say with much certainty are due to their upbringing.
So, is reproduction a right? I don’t know if I’ve ever thought of it that way. I’ve always thought of it as a choice.
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Hi Funkysquishy – Thank you for the input! I imagine my atheist friends would bring out the population argument – ‘tough shit, if you can’t do it naturally there are enough children in the world that need a home, etc…’. I admit I used to think this too in my 20s…. I feel more nuanced about it now but I know it’s what all my relatives would say…. Thanks for stopping by!
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Saying that it is merely a choice and not a right makes it as if those who are infertile have chosen to be that way. I didn’t choose for my ovaries to stop functioning, and the many women with Pcos and endometriosis didn’t choose to battle infertility because of their diagnosis nor did the men with sperm issues. That’s why Reproductive Rights are tremendously important.
I’ve always found it amazing about how people say that it is against nature to get medical assistance for reproduction but they have no problem going to the hospital if they have any other type of illness, or if they lose a limb and want a prosthetic. The World Health Organization lists infertility as a disease, and there are few diseases out there beyond this one that people simply say “oh it’s just not meant to be so you shouldn’t get help”.
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I’m also a little curious about why you say that those who are infertile should be the ones pushed towards adoption. Why shouldn’t we be encouraging ALL people to adopt and making it easier and less financially back-breaking to do so. Having spent over $70,000 now towards both infertility treatments and failed adoption (when a program closes its doors you don’t get your money back… Ethiopia did that to us after 2 years waiting for a match), I’ve always been amazed at the number of people who push adoption on the infertile but would never consider it themselves… As if we are the ones solely responsible for adopting.
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I think people have the right to try to have a child if they so desire and have access to medical help to do so as necessary. I believe that fertility treatments should be covered by insurance/health systems without regard for marital status, sexuality, etc just like medical treatment for other conditions. I think the place it gets tricky is when infertility intersects with other’s rights to their bodies/reproduction (donor gametes, surrogacy, etc). Don’t get me wrong, I am all for using donor gametes, embryos, or surrogacy (we considered donor embryo at one point) provided the people donating said items are fully informed of their rights, potential pitfalls, and not coerced in any way. It’s more that care must be taken to ensure donors/surrogates’ rights aren’t brushed aside.
Making things more irritating, I’ve found informally that the people most likely to tell me that infertile people don’t have that right (or that IVF is wrong, etc.) are also the ones most likely to then gush “but I can’t imagine my life without my children!” and go on for ages about said kid(s). *Sigh*.
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I agree with you, and I think the WHO & UN also state that clearly when they say everyone has “the right to attain the highest standard of sexual and reproductive health”. Things do get murkier with donors, I suppose. And yeah, the people I’ve heard objecting about this are the ones that are 100% obsessed with their kids!
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So agree with this.
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I’ll be honest, I’ve always thought that having kids wasn’t a ‘right’ it was something that happened if circumstances permitted – the circumstance being, that the person was able to get pregnant, be pregnant in the correct place and go to full term and give birth to a living baby.
In a past life before pregnancy losses and infertility, I worked with vulnerable children and their families and witnessed all the things that go wrong in family breakdowns and where kids are/have been neglected. So that’s why I think the way I do about having children.
I’d never be so presumptious to think I should impose my own personal thoughts on anyone else however and for your friend to marginalise quite a large chunk of the female population with her comment makes me wonder if she’s breathtakingly ignorant about the weight behind her words, or just lived a very secluded life with a charmed existence? No disrespect whatsoever to your friend, but she sounds like the naive one here…
Totally with you on the sad infertiles picking up the pieces of the human race where others haven’t been able to make a go of raising their children (I know not all children are fostered or adopted because of family breakdowns, I know there are other reasons too) and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told I should adopt/foster and so on. Like it’s a sticking plaster over the wound of not being able to have my own biological children.
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Thank you Bamberlamb!
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In saying that though what gives anyone the right that’s happily got children to determine what others unable to reproduce should do? A very opinionated and blinkered view indeed…
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Very true
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That sounds weird. I have never heard such claims and if I did, I would feel exactly like you did. Even the one that talks about right vs privilege is pushing the envelope too far in my opinion. It’s a choice and nothing more or less.
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My two cents: if fertile people are so concerned about overpopulation and the unwanted children of the world, perhaps they should stop having their own children and start adopting. Infertility shouldn’t equal being required to solve the world’s problems while fertile people love their lives as they please.
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And further, if infertility means you shouldn’t have children, does having cancer mean you should die?
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Good point
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Agree 100%!
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Exactly!!
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What do those same people say about cancer treatments? Or even antibiotics? Health can also be seen as a privilege…
(Admittedly, my patience for this sort of discussion, and usually the people behind it, is very short.)
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Mine is too. I’m hoping to pick up some efficient retorts from the comments here!
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I have yet to encounter someone who feels this way or at least has the courage to say it to my face. I have a child conceived using donor eggs. They were from a reputable clinic and a woman who was not under duress. I felt the same way in my 20’s about adopting. It is easy to make general sweeping statements when they don’t affect you. It is easy to present yourself as altruistic when you don’t have to actually make a decision. I believe it is a right and you can choose what to with that right. I also believe it should be covered by insurance. It is a medical issue. I don’t think I would react well if someone told maybe God just decided I shouldn’t have kids, as a human but also an atheist.
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It certainly is a medical issue, in the majority of cases, and as such should be equated with other illnesses and disorders that require treatment, in my opinion. Thank you!
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Wow I’ve never heard this actually sad about the infertile… The only time I’ve heard it is about bad parents, i.e. those who have abused children, child molesters, etc. Having been molested by my sister’s former husband when I was a child, I do not believe that man should be allowed to have children or be near children, so those are the types of cases where I would say their rights should be terminated. But for those who involuntarily lost their ability to have children like us infertile folks, and same-sex couples or the single parents, it’s just creepy when people say stuff like that. I think that it’s very similar to saying if you lost your hand in an accident that you don’t deserve a prosthetic…
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Hi EcoFem, so sorry to hear that. It’s funny: the people I’ve heard saying this about the infertile are usually liberals/lefties who would be very reluctant to be heard saying that abusive parents should have their reproductive rights taken away… they’d be scared of being accused of ‘social cleansing’ or similar. But isn’t preventing infertile people from accessing treatment, by saying they don’t have an automatic right to it, a form of that?
I absolutely agree with you.
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Quick clarification for me – you are in Ireland, right? I know that in Australia where my husband is from, “liberal” is the party that we in the US call “conservative” and therefore in blogland I always get confused at the term “liberal” because here in the US I’m considered a liberal but if I am correct, it’s the opposite in Europe just like Australia…? Just want to have the proper context 🙂
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Hello I’m in Ireland and liberal would be used in same way as in UK, as in progressive, not conservative…
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Hmm. This topic is a controversial one and will make a long comment box. I’m a bit hesitant to share my pov, but as usual, I always do anyway. 😛
The simple answer to this question is yes, I do believe everyone should be able to make their own choices for their lives regarding having children. But, being the deep (over) thinker and blogger that I am, I’ve thought a lot about infertility over the years. Especially since I’ve experienced it myself.
The question is, just because something can be done, does that mean it should be done? If you don’t mind, I’d like to give a couple of examples of what I learned during my infertility journey. I had a friend who said that in her deepest desperation to have a baby, if someone would’ve told her she could become pg if they cut of her husband’s arm and reattached it to her back, she would’ve said yes. If it could be done, should it? I wouldn’t do it, but it’s her choice to make.
I had another infertile friend whose husband’s sperm was minimally viable, the same issue we had. With some reluctance from her husband to start, he eventually agreed to use donor sperm. I celebrated with her when she had triplets. I never once said anything about her decision and was thrilled for her when she finally achieved motherhood. Years later, when my husband and I decided not to use donor sperm, she took it as an affront to her decision and verbally attacked me.
Here are the questions I asked myself. Did I like that my mom used me to fulfill her needs growing up? Did I enjoy the dysfunction of two narcissistic parents? Did I enjoy that my mom expected children to fill an empty hole in her life, and would I be doing the same if I went to extreme lengths to have a child?
I decided that I didn’t want to create a new life out of desperation to fill my need. I couldn’t do that to my children. That is why one quote hits home to me. “If you’re not enough without it, you’ll never be enough with it.”
As I said, I DO believe others should have the right to choose for themselves. Most people come from dysfunctional families, so who am I to say if someone else’s choice is wrong? Some people grow and then thrive after learning from their dysfunction. I believe I have, but it was the infertility that helped me to grow, and I’m grateful.
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Thank you Lori, this is very thought-provoking. You hit on some of the exact reasons that I myself didn’t use donor ivf. Personally I had a lot of ambivalence & didn’t want to create a new life when I had so many doubts. Thanks for a great comment.
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Thank you for understanding where I was coming from, DS. I probably overthink things. Unfortunately, as infertility patients, we have much more difficult decisions than for those to whom it comes naturally. If it must be forced through technology, it becomes a much more complicated decision.
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I agree, that was my exact dilemma. If I hadn’t had problems, I would probably have ‘fallen’ into it more naturally without too much agonising (like most people!). Instead: months of head-wrecking angst over should-we/shouldn’t-we go ahead with it. I did some phenomenal overthinking….
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So the argument is, those that can conceive without assistance have the “right” to have children, while those who need assistance do not? And yet those who are infertile also are responsible for finding homes for all children in need, never mind that most of those homeless children still have parents who have their parental rights and are in foster care with the goal of reuniting them with their biological parents (and these same people scream about not “giving up” their children or are in circumstances where they are unable to care for their children). In addition, when the infertile couple decides to forgo pursuing treatments and decides not to parent, they are labeled as “selfish.”
Does anyone else see the nonsense of this situation that is created solely so those who are privileged (fertile) can not be made to feel uncomfortable about their life choices (getting pregnant without a second thought)?
I also am concerned about population growth. But the data is clear: support reproductive choices AND create a system that fosters families and uncontrolled population growth decreases. Deny people that and/or force them into desperate situations and bad things happen. It’s like forcing someone to starve and then sending them to jail for stealing bread.
Also, I suspect your friend’s story would change if she found herself facing infertility.
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Nonsensical is right; it’s also a fairly degrading attitude to have towards the reproductively challenged, I think
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I can understand to a point where the “having a child is a privilege” perspective comes from. As a parent you have responsibility for this human’s early life: and it’s a big responsibility. To see the child in purely materialistic terms: “my right!” seems to negate the high moral imperative of the relationship.
But having said that, I still have to maintain it is everybody’s right to have a child, simply because if you say some people have the right and some don’t, you have to figure out who makes that distinction, and how and why. And I don’t believe that can be done ethically. People have tried: for example my province used to sterilize mentally disabled people to keep them out of the gene pool, and similar things have been done to racial minorities I believe. Social consensus has been reached that this is wrong. (Thank goodness)
Now, taking into account infertile people, I guess I would modify the rights statement to say “Everyone has the right to have a child ethically.” What ever methods of assisted reproduction we use, we do need to reach consensus that they are ethical. It certainly is possible to abuse others or infringe on their rights in the effort to have a child, and that is wrong. Maybe some of the discomfort people feel around fertility treatments comes from a fear that something unethical is going on? Maybe they don’t understand the process so it looks weird or icky to them. That is not a valid reason to infringe on someone’s rights, but certainly there are cases where people can do harm in the pursuit of a child so we have to have those discussions too.
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Here is more on eugenics in Alberta, for anyone interested. Similar things were done in the states? This is how it looks when people set out to decide who has the right to have a child. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alberta_Eugenics_Board
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Thanks Torthuil. Blimey, 1928 seems so recent – and it went on for 43 years?? In this day and age, yes, we have to say it’s everybody’s right, or we’re venturing into really tricky waters. I’m pretty amazed this happened in Canada; I didn’t know. I bet the United Farm Women of Alberta were a nasty fertile bunch of b****s…
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Ha. Yes, apparently they thought they could use the same selective breeding techniques on humans as is used on cattle. Many of the Canadian women supporting eugenics were our most celebrated suffragettes and first wave feminists. History is complicated and cringe-y. Hitler admired and was inspired by the North American eugenics movement.
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I had no idea that Hitler’s eugenics were inspired by North America! Shocking
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Yep, he was! Pretty sick.
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Yeah, sadly, United States has a terrible history of forced sterilization. It all breaks my heart. There’s a public domain movie from 1934 on YouTube called “Tomorrow’s Children.” Its very hard to watch.
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I’ll check that out DBND, sounds interesting…
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It’s a short “watch.” 45 minutes?
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So many amazing points in the comments! I think if the UN and WHO see having a child as a right, and access to reproductive health and ability to have and space children as a right, then I don’t get why people think that just because you have difficulty physically having a child that you shouldn’t. Or that you should adopt. Nothing made/makes me madder than when people say, “Why didn’t you try foster adoption? So many kids need homes!” because I want to (and sometimes do) say, “WHY DON’T YOU?” I mean, when people have children easily and choose to have three or four (clearly beyond zero population growth), how dare you tell me that I am adding to a problem by trying to have a child while infertile? I mean, it didn’t work out, but I still had the right to try. There’s a lot of ethical dilemmas of course, especially with third party reproduction and continuing treatment past when it’s reasonable (I blame that one on the clinics who won’t tell you to stop, and also the cult of hope that makes you not want to stop even though your success rates are in the toilet). But so aren’t there with having more than two children, if we’re talking overpopulation? Or having a child to “save” your marriage? Gaagh. I can’t believe your friend said that. I swear sometimes people forget who they are talking to (although maybe it’s refreshing that she spoke her true mind and didn’t censor in a way? Eh, maybe not). I agree with so many comments above as to people’s arguments for why infertile people don’t have the right to a child and how they are frustrating and wrong and hurtful. My own grandmother said, “If God wanted you to have a child, he would have thrown one at you,” which to me sounds an awful lot like “God didn’t want you to have a kid.” I don’t even share that belief system but it’s so hurtful when someone believes that, whether you do or not. Argh. Sore subject, I guess! Very thought-provoking post.
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It’s such a minefield it’s hard to know where to begin. Yes it’s audacious really that someone who conceived their multiple children easily should say to a friend ‘Sorry: you don’t have the right to demand access to treatment – suck it up and adopt the children that I myself wasn’t willing to adopt because I wanted my own’. Ugh. It’s basically saying: tough – survival of the fittest.
There are areas that I wish were regulated – post-menopausal ART, for example. But how to draw the distinction between what’s a right and what isn’t?
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The whole “infertile people should adopt” is outrageous and dishonest. Like someone said, if someone is concerned about the abandonded children, why not try to adopt themselves? Being fertile does not mean that you are required to procreate.
In my country, a certain number of fertility treatment is completely covered from public funds (as is all health care, or the cost is minimal to patients). I think that’s a very good thing, the way it should be. It is sort of unfair that they don’t cover as many treatments as the couple with IF issues wants, but with public funds there must be some limitations.
I had sort of an uncomfortable moment re these questions a couple months ago, when I read a story of a blind single mother of three. She had all her children alone with donor sperm via publicly funded IVF treatments, and now she has several assistants to help her with the kids.
I do believe that she has a right to have children, however I could not help thinking, do the kids get what they need (eye contact is so important to a newborn), did she have to have 3? Wasn’t 2 enough? Are the kids safe?
Etc. Rationally, I believe it’s her right (and the kids are probably gonna be alright) but emotionally/intuitively I felt these judgmental impulses. I think this happens to many people, that they experience the same – intuitive, feeling-based “wrongness” about something (like IVF), and then try to justify it rationally by saying stupid stuff.
Re surrogacy – I do believe commercial surrogacy should be banned (it is here). Yes it’s unfair to people with IF, but I strongly believe that we shouldn’t allow monetary compensation for such an intimate and potentially dangerous physical process as pregnancy. Just like we don’t let anyone sell their organs, or to sell themselves to slavery. The societal implications for allowing such transactions would be very problematic.
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It’s definitely human to have those moments. I mean, why weren’t two enough for that blind woman? Surely it’s making things more difficult for both herself and her existing children by having a third? It’s frustrating and I think such emotional responses are valid.
The whole ‘rights’ issue is a quagmire – where do you stop, how do you stipulate who should and shouldn’t? Thanks so much for the comments
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To their biological children yes. Not a right to any kid whatsoever. These egg donors for example are young women who can be lured by a generous chunk of change…who wouldnt be when you’re young and broke? And some have lost their own fertility as a result of the process. Third party reproduction has so many unethical elements to it. Like donor kids not being told and thus having no accurate medical history.
The WHO has also said kids have a right to be raised by their bio families and have knowledge of their own genealogy and history. I feel kids are often the ones last thought of.
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I agree that donor kids not knowing about their own heritage is very wrong, I could never get on board with that at all. Yeah, in all matters reproductive it’s often all about the parents and what they want, unfortunately
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“These egg donors…” I feel the need to point out that not all egg donors are anonymous. I used an egg donor, but it was my sister. She didn’t get lured by a fat paycheck. She didn’t lose her own fertility (she went on to have her 4th baby after donating). You may think that is pretty unethical, but my children are well loved and aren’t any different than any other child out there. How their life came to be is not a secret, but you would never know they were conceived via donor egg unless being told. My take on your comment is that according to you, I didn’t have the right to have my children because they aren’t 100% biological. Third party reproduction does not necessarily unethical. I have a friend who used a surrogate for her babies, but the parents are 100% the biological parents. I’m sorry. Your comment obviously strikes a chord with me.
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Hi Amber thanks for commenting. I think it’s absolutely wonderful that your sister donated! Best wishes to you
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I get a little queasy whenever people start bellowing indignantly about their “rights.” I am reminded of my high school history teacher, who pointed out that the U.S. Declaration of Independence does not guarantee the right to happiness — only the right to pursue it. 😉 Likewise, I am not sure that anyone has the “right” to have a child, but I agree that we most certainly have the right to pursue parenthood, if that’s what we want. Or to not pursue it, if that’s what we want too. 😉
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That’s a good way of putting. My own ‘discomfort’ with the language is why I wanted people’s insights… thank you
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That’s a really good way of putting it!
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You make great points, and the fact is, if we entered the opposite situation — deeply falling fertility rates and the chance for humans to die out, you’d be hearing it from the other side: you have an obligation to have a baby. THAT is the part that drives me up a wall. So it’s okay to support a person building a family in some situations but not others?
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Mel, my country has had high birth rates that have unexplicably (probably due to economic uncertainty) dropped steeply during the last 2 years, and a week ago, the (male) leader of the major opposite party actually said this in an interview – that young women should participate in “making babies for our country” (what he said does not translate exactly, it was actually even worse)!! And we are one of the most value-liberal, gender-equal countries in the world. Thankfully, basically everyone else was appalled and called him out, however he has not even apologized for his word choice. But you are so right – these things turn around so fast (and it’s usually women who are somehow held responsible).
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If you feel like getting ragey, have a read of this article published today in NZ (in response to one of the political parties making an election promise to increase publicly funded IVF rounds) – it is basically an example of what you’ve written about.
https://www.stuff.co.nz/national/politics/96321440/national-literally-paying-people-to-make-babies
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Ugh is she basically implying that those needing IVF are too old and too middle class and should just adopt all the ‘orphans’ or shut up?? “…Surely a government espousing principles of social investment would do better to focus on ensuring would-be parents are in a financially secure position during their most fertile years …. A social investment approach might also look into improvements to our adoption system. It is a travesty that there are children in need of loving homes, and couples wanting to open their doors and hearts, but they get tied up in bureaucratic tape.” A most interesting read, thank you very much!
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Yeah, and suggesting the only reason ppl receive publicly funded ivf is cos they can’t afford kids….WTF?! Sigh.
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Yes, that’s a completely spurious connection, it’s stupid
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I’m finding the comments here fascinating, and agree with many of them. I struggle though with the idea that being able to procreate is a right, but I certainly disagree with the idea that if nature doesn’t allow us to conceive, that we shouldn’t be able to pursue parenthood. It makes no logical sense when I see people having children and treating them terribly, neglecting them, abusing them, killing them. These parents didn’t go through IVF, I bet. But by the logic of your friend, they have more of a right to have children than you or me. Yet children conceived through IVF are wanted and chosen and that’s a big head start over many children conceived unintentionally to parents who didn’t want more or any children, or through rape.
And where are the child’s rights? Surely these are more important than parents’ rights? Where are their rights not to be born to be beaten or abused or neglected?
Clearly, I have no answers. But thanks for the interesting discussion.
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Thanks Mali, this has definitely been very interesting: I’ll certainly be better-equipped to argue next time someone throws this one at me…
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everybody has the right to have a child, if they want one! and saying that people who can’t conceive should just adopt isn’t a valid argument, people who have no problems conceiving could also adopt , right? why not?there are so many parent-less children out there so..really.. also, someone who gets pregnant by accident (not because they actually wanted to/planned to) is surely less equipped to deal with parenthood than someone who has wanted a child for a long time and has done things to make it happen.. besides IVF isn’t eugenics, there’s no genes manipulation, and there are other even less invasive procedures..some work out, some don’t..
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Thanks Tanja I agree with all of that – and yes, if you compare someone who wants a child strongly enough to go through ivf with someone who has multiple kids they refuse to care for, the ‘rights’ argument is just illogical, to my mind.
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I don’t have too much to add to the lively, engaging conversation above. I, too, would be taken aback if someone, let alone a friend, said that to me. I would be really hurt by it and it sounds you were/are, too. As Rising Phoenix and infertility honesty have said, the reproductively privileged live much different lives than us. Oh and that “infertile” people are just expected to adopt and solve the worlds problems is just ridiculous. I get the “just adopt” bit a lot, with no longer the second part, “and you’ll get pregnant.”
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Such a fascinating discussion, compadres!! I think everyone else has got this covered. A couple of thoughts:
I agree with a range of views here, from calcandide’s “If infertility means you shouldn’t have children, does having cancer mean you should die?” (If I ever have the opportunity to use that one in conversation, I’m so dropping that bomb!!) to Tortuhil’s thoughtful articulations on the issues in question with some forms of assisted reproductive technology – “Everyone has the right to have a child ETHICALLY” – so well put.
Sorry to hear about your friend’s comment, DS, that must have been a tough one to stomach. In my travels through infertility hell, I’ve observed that people seem to be quite attached to the notion that the, what I believe is an all too random, ability to reproduce “means” something. It’s a form of “othering”. The idea that not being able to reproduce could be a random, impersonal occurrence is beyond the scope of most people, yet we in our community if anything have had to bond with this concept, as believing that we somehow deserved what happened to us or that it happened for a reason can do a real number on one’s self esteem and level of self worth. Plus many of us have been thrust into such a deep level of realism we simply understand, better than the average person I think, that what happened to us could happen to ANYBODY.
DS this is perfect: “……the sad infertiles were duds without rights, consigned to help sort out the world’s population problems or provide homes for all the unwanted children that other people had exercised their rights to give birth to.”
As far as our supposed responsibility to take in all of the children in the world who need homes after everything we’ve been through, well, no surprise where I stand on that one. It’s too bad people’s need to believe that life is fair all too often seems to outweigh their desire to show compassion towards a fellow human who has suffered significant loss. I refuse to be a scapegoat for people who unthinkingly and irresponsibly bring children into the world (though I know this isn’t true in all cases) and for governments who fail to support their own people. “I’m no more responsible for the unwanted children in the world than you are, perhaps YOU’VE thought of fostering or adopting” I once replied to someone in an online comment. And notably, for all of the adoption overtures I’ve gotten no one has ever offered me not even one drop of money to help.
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Yes, saying you don’t have the right to reproduce if you can’t conceive is certainly conferring some kind of special meaning on being able to reproduce without problems, which is fairly ironic when you actually look around at many of those who replicate with ease…. It’s a foolish knee-jerk thing to say and shows that people usually need to go through a thing in order to understand it, unfortunately…. Thanks for a superb comment!
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Yes, exactly!! Never ceases to amaze me that while it’s blatantly obvious that people who abandon, severely abuse and even repetitively murder their own children are generally no less fertile then the average person, this truth is always conveniently left out of the equation.
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So many excellent comments in response to this post! Wow… Like many others, I especially love this: “If infertility means you shouldn’t have children, does having cancer mean you should die?”
All I would add is that I have two beliefs coexisting side by side, the second one being very personal (applicable only to myself ;-)):
1) Every human being should have the same rights, regardless of the circumstances. From a social point of view, this is very clear.
2) BUT as someone who definitely thought that I had the RIGHT to have kids and struggled with the fact that I wasn’t going to have any , I also had to learn humility. Not towards the others who went on to parent (I am not inferior to them!), but towards life/destiny or whatever you want to call it.
You see, there are many things that should be available for everyone. Everybody should be loved, for example. First by their parents, then by their friends, and later on by a husband or wife. Yet you cannot force love. You cannot make it happen. It is a gift. You either fall in love or you don’t.
Over time I figured out that having kids must be similar in some ways. It is still something we cannot make happen, no matter how long or hard we try. It still is not within our power, regardless of what some people think! We have to be very careful not to confuse having kids with having done anything right or being a better person. There is no such correlation. It either happens or it doesn’t. Sometimes it even happens to people who didn’t want it to happen while others would have done nearly everything to have kids. Life is not fair, as we know. All I could do in order to make peace with this is to learn to be grateful for what I HAD. Not everybody has a husband, for example. And again, I don’t think I “deserved” him any better than any of my single friends.
So, yes, the ideal would be same rights for everyone (social perspective). But since this is not the case (life is not fair), my personal solution was gratefulness for what I already had. It did help me to be happier.
Hope this makes sense at all?
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Hi Elaine, that makes perfect sense and is very perceptive. “We have to be very careful not to confuse having kids with having done anything right or being a better person. There is no such correlation. It either happens or it doesn’t.” I think this is brilliantly expressed. I can see the sense in working on gratefulness. For me, actually understanding and accepting that I just could not make it happen, that it was not within my power, was the key to moving on and being childfree rather than grieving childless. I think the gratefulness is following…
Thank you, DS
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