I just read an inspiring article about 41-year-old Elizabeth O’Neill who has quit her job following a hysterectomy that made her re-evaluate her life.
She speaks of her soul beginning to unravel as she recovered from the surgery, leading to her packing in a stable, permanent, ‘pensionable’ job: covetable from the outside (she was a researcher for Irish radio) but at the end of the day, it was just her 9-to-5, her daily grind. The realities of that are only known to the person living them, over and over. I can fully relate to the unravelling that comes with “is this it?“.
Good on her for quitting: I love stories like this.
She went through some dark times before she left her job, however. It seems that when the possibility to ever have her own children was taken away, the realization that she would never have a family (i.e kids) hit her like a sledgehammer:
The tide going back out, after surgery, swept me into a tsunami of grief. I cried everywhere, for months.
She is very eloquent on the stigma, imagined or real, that hovers in the background for childless women over 40:
I also wondered when I had crossed some imaginary threshold from fertile into ‘barren’. In literature, a woman without offspring is always to be pitied, that’s the narrative, and she will almost always be willing to commit monstrous acts or steal children.
Well put. I admire her for mentioning this. It’s something taboo, still, but it haunts me a little.
At fist she is sensitive to all comments regarding fertility, as well as the usual tiresome observations from parents that their sensitivity levels are heightened because they have offspring:
How often have I heard it said, ‘oh I just felt it more because, you know, I have children’? Mothers are not naturally more empathetic, as much as childless woman are not automatically selfish.
One thing that hit me around the same age as Elizabeth was the notion that my future was a bit amorphous, potentially a long stretch of nothing; what were the landmark events that would punctuate it, give it structure, slow down time?
Another fact of family rearing is that having a family automatically imposes a shape on your life. It gives you a timetable going forward, cycles of nativity plays, parent-teacher meetings, holidays, graduations, celebrations. There’ll be certain photos on your walls, certain destinations to get your children to.
So where does that leave those without families?
I am glad that this feeling has worn off: when you hit 45 you just want as non-onerous a life as possible and things like where you live and how you live – how well you spend your time – become much more important than a lack of children (in my personal experience). But that sense of yawning doom was quite real at 40.
Elizabeth O’Neill makes me wish that the dreary crowd I work for offered redundancy packages. The worst and most limiting thing that a so-called career counsellor said to me when I expressed a desire to quit the 9-5 was ‘but you have a permanent, pensionable job!‘.
Ah, but I don’t have mouths to feed or humans to put through college.
So maybe I’ll quit anyway.
I refuse to be defined by my own body’s limitations and the limitations society has placed on me. So I quit. I’ve taken the redundancy and the only thing I know for certain, is that I will no longer have a 9 to 5 existence and the rest is as yet unwritten.
So true, and I’m glad she brought up that taboos because sometimes I wonder if that’s why people we used to know began to ghost us… It’s kind of like when I got divorced from my first husband, there are always certain couples who start to avoid the recently divorced as if it’s contagious.
They reported this past week on the news here in the US (not sure if they made it across the sea to where you are) about a fertility clinic who had an electrical malfunction and lost thousands of people’s Frozen eggs and embryos… And the couple who story they shared to elicit sympathy from viewers was one who already had a child and was grieving the fact that they “couldn’t give their child a sibling” – with the mother even saying “I wouldn’t wish this on anyone” in a way that was as if it had been the worst thing that happened in her entire life…and my husband and I literally begin cursing at the television. She had a successful round of IVF and was holding a baby there and focusing all her energy on a how she couldn’t have two, when so many of us never have had one. They have a life my husband and I will never get to experience.
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Hi EcoFem, I’m surprised I missed that news. That would have really annoyed me. I try to be objective and diplomatic, and employ all my powers of empathy but no….. the second child thing will always be a blind spot for me. I confess that when I saw this article about Elizabeth O’Neill. I immediately scanned it to check that she didn’t have a couple of kids already. I was almost convinced she would have. I just don’t read the article any more if that’s the case. Or, I do, mostly, and then I get very irritated….
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Haha I do the exact same thing.
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Powerful article. My mind is swirling with thoughts from my own experience.
I wrote an unpublished article about why adoption isn’t always right for every couple who can’t have children (never sent it to be published because I didn’t know of any place that would publish such a subject). I mention this, because in that article I said the very same thing about “barren” women being portrayed as mentally unstable to the point of stealing children. It’s shown in movies and on soap operas.
You know, I never thought of that automatic timetable when you have a family, but that’s a wonderful point. I must’ve also grieved that structure and those milestones.
The strange thing was that I thought I’d be a broken mess when I turned 40, but that turned out to be the happiest age I think I’ve ever been. I knew that I did not want to be changing diapers at that age, so I grieved the loss at age 38. It took two years, and then at age 40, I felt like I turned the corner on my grief. I had taken care of my body in those two years (while crying every day). I got back into shape after gaining weight from hormone treatments.
I think we need to do what feels right in our hearts regarding work. Personally, if I didn’t have sense of a purpose when I (also) quit my job, I think I would’ve sunk even deeper. Writing helped me to feel like I was doing something worthwhile, even when I’m not selling books. But, each person needs to find what is right in their heart. My bff lost her job and loved staying home simply taking care of the house while on unemployment (her kids are all grown). Unfortunately, they needed her income and she needed to go back. She is definitely not happy working again.
Sorry this is so long. Thank you for sharing this great article.
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No worries re being long! I love your insights.
I try to quash the unstable/weird barren lady thoughts but yes, I think such clichès and perceptions still abound in our culture and they influence how I talk about children and how I behave around children, I’m sure of it.
I agree you need some purpose and a plan when you quit your job: the danger of drifting aimlessly is real (I know it would be for me). I’m waiting for a brainwave…
MILESTONES! Thank you – I put ‘landmarks’ in the piece: I can never, ever remember the word ‘milestone’ for some reason
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Milestone . . . landmark . . . same thing. I got the meaning. 🙂
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Milestone will just never stay in my head for some reason
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Thank you for sharing this article! I know exactly what Elizabeth O’Neill means when she writes, “Sometimes circumstances force your hand and make you consider what you really want.”
After I realized having kids just wasn’t going to happen for me, I had an overwhelming sense of Now What. I simultaneously started grieving and working on taking my life in a completely different direction than I had originally planned. So I thought about what I *wanted* to do, other than raising children of course. One step at a time, we sold the house we bought for our children and began working toward long-term plans to move to another state.
I absolutely love the picture you included with this post. My old life was fine, I guess. My old house was beautiful and my old job gave me a sense of purpose… But all of that was for another life, a different life from the one I was living (a life without my kids). I was comfortable in my old life, but staying there was killing my spirit. I HAD to get out of my comfort zone and create a new life for myself.
Thanks again for sharing this article. She makes so many good points. And I love, love, love the picture at the end.
“Your comfort zone will kill you.”
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Thanks Phoenix, you too are an inspiration! I’m a bit of an hypocrite because I’m stuck in a comfort zone myself, but hearing stories like hers and yours help me a lot
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I don’t think you’re a hypocrite. There is no set timetable or linear way anyone has to go about things when changing one’s life.
I was out in the suburbs with no friends and no hobbies or groups to meet up with or anything, and I was so lonely and BORED. And living in a 4-bedroom, 3-bathroom house with an upstairs loft area that would’ve been perfect as a playroom with just me and my husband was depressing. We were both so unhappy and we figured we could be lonely somewhere else. I mean, I hope we’re not lonely after we move. I hope we meet some people, try some new things, and slowly, but surely cultivate a full, rich life. But even if we don’t, we have each other and at least we won’t be stuck where we clearly didn’t belong. Circumstances just forced my hand a little quicker, that’s all. When you have absolutely nothing going on in your life, you have more time to put into changing it.
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I sometimes wonder (when I’m feeling isolated and lonely) whether I would be better off trying to build a community in the suburbs where I have family; then I visit and think, no, I could never do it – you’re right, it’s better to at least be lonely somewhere you ‘fit in’ better! I don’t think you’ll be lonely anyway: it’s a state of mind as well, you sound like you’re positive enough at the moment to try those new things and get out there. I’m working on that too. Thanks Phoenix
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I got packaged off almost four years ago. I still get mad about it sometimes, especially when I think about how it was done, but in all honesty, they did me a favour. I was 53 at the time, and was able to segue from my severance into an early (albeit reduced) pension. There’s definitely something nice about a good pension 😉 but I also believe that life is too short, especially when you’ve spent years putting up with as much crap as those of us who have been through the infertility/loss wringer have endured. 😉
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I can understand the mixed feelings around being packaged off: it must be a blow in many ways. But yes: we sometimes need a kick up the arse. If my company did redundancies and I had a decent pension, I’d definitely leave immediately. I think having no choice in the matter must be different.
Always good to hear of these experiences!
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After a 17-year teaching career, I resigned last summer and started writing my blog. Although I was terrified to quit my “stable” job, I am so grateful that my husband encouraged me to do so. I have found new passion and new purpose since beginning this second career at age 40…
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Hi Brandi … wow, that’s pretty amazing, I need to work up the courage to do that too! I’m just having a browse on your blog: I love your outlook on life, you’re an inspiration. I really, really like your Plan B: Redefining CNBC stuff – http://notsomommy.com/plan-b-redefine/
I absolutely need to Create a New plan Bravely and Courageously!! Thank you
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Thank you for your kind words, for checking out my blog, and for sharing the link to my Plan B: Redefine. I truly appreciate the support! You made me smile! 🙂
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Hi, Different Shores: I wrote you an email to your blog address. Did you get it? It’s about our upcoming trip overseas. Xx
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Ah so sorry I am terrible at checking that address! I’ll log in asap!!
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Hi Shores!
Loved this piece, you have hit the nail on the head about perceptions of ladies of a ‘certain age’ who don’t have children. I have been seeking alternative employment (albeit not quite so successfully at the moment) and am in the middle of home improvements in the hope we can sell up and swan off somewhere. Not sure where I want to go yet… the husband is resistant to change unlike me, who is desperate to quit the rat race but I understand his concerns, he’s sensible – I’m impulsive…
I love the title phrase to this piece too, it’s definitely something that I have experienced over the years before finding that place of peace within.
Hope you are keeping well and thanks for another brilliant blog post xx
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Hey Bamber scuse the delay! Thanks for the comment. If you have any brainwaves about quitting the rat race let me know… I’m looking for a huge change but nothing coming to mind…. x
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I loved this story-and i love the idea of this blog as a childless woman about to turn 30..
also, I quit my job to become a poet once, out of spite 🙂
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I love your poetry, it’s brilliant… thrilled at the idea you quit your job to do it … inspirational
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What powerful insights in Elizabeth’s article and your reflections added beautiful harmony to her thoughts. All are true and have been hovering in my brain but haven’t been able to come out as poignantly as you two. The taboo of being “barren” struck me. It’s the thought I’ve had “Is this the point now where I say, I cannot have children.” … the cyclelessness of life without kids: I still feel the nurturing mother within me, yet my and my husband’s lives don’t fall into the same cycles as our friends’ lives. There is a freedom in that and a sense of wandering while we loosen ourselves from the expectations of that lifestyle. Lots of chew on. 🙂
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Hello KT thanks for the comment… I felt that cyclelessness very deeply and went into panics about it – but the truth is, at 46 I just don’t feel it any more. I have panics about my job and where I live (must change job before 50! etc) but never about not having children: it just went away. I hope that gives hope to people who still have the Fear about the lack of milestones etc…
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