I like this article from The New York Times, ‘I’m in My 40s, Child-Free and Happy. Why Won’t Anyone Believe Me?’
I don’t write much any more on the topic of not having children because it’s a long time since it has felt like an issue in my life. Like Glynnis MacNicol, on that front I’m relieved to find myself
released from the fear of the clock that had dogged me through my 30s.
MacNicol is a single woman with an enviable lifestyle and a strong support network. I wonder sometimes what my own less colourful life would be like if I wasn’t ‘lucky’ enough to have my partner, to be married. Does it protect me a bit from the prejudice that people still harbour towards the middle-aged non-parent?
I know that in my suburban Catholic office environment I’m a bit of an oddity because at 46 I don’t have kids. Generally I don’t really care what anyone thinks (if they even think of me at all); as MacNicol says, it’s
yet another unexpected gift of my 40s: just how little concern I have for others’ opinions about me.
However, one of the things that does disturb me is the very un-21st century prejudice that many people still harbour towards those who are ageing without partners or offspring.
I hear it often at work when people are discussing certain older individuals who sometimes draw negative attention to themselves. Following a dissection of the person’s particular peccadilloes, there’s often the added qualification of “And he/she lives on his/her own….no family….“, with meaningful side-eye.
I’m guilty of it myself; in the midst of gossip I’ve occasionally asked: “Is he/she married?” or “Does he/she have kids?“, as if this would make them more ‘normal’. As if the person is somehow more exempt from weirdness or pity if they are partnered up and have children.
MacNicol is a successful writer ‘inundated’ with close relationships. I’d have loved to read that she’s a humdrum office worker surrounded by colleagues whose desks and noticeboards are heaving with photos of children (my office looks like a fertility clinic waiting room).
However, several of my friends are office-working, single non-mothers in their mid-forties and they seem no more or less happy in their day-to-day lives than anyone else. If they have an off-day at work and really piss someone off, does the gossip in the corridor get book-ended with those weighted words that a parent would never be subjected to: “Yeah, and she lives on her own you know…“?
It’s insidious and regressive, and I wonder why it lingers so tenaciously in our dramatically changing times.
As I get older, less accommodating and more jaded with office life, prone to frequent eccentric outbursts, I feel surer that being married is all that protects me from full-on cat lady status. Or is that just in my head?
Further reading:
That’s sad. We must have some circuits in our brains that cause us to leap to judgment about certain things instinctively, whether it makes sense or not. Takes effort to shut them off.
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a good way of describing it
LikeLike
Oh boy, this one is painful given a recent discussion at work. When dealing with difficult or odd personalities in a work setting, it’s natural to look for patterns supporting conclusions about weird or difficult behavior. The idea that someone isn’t married or have children is one level of support for this, with the mindset that they are some different and/or miserable that they are naturally alone.
What hard about this argument is that it’s both not the rule and can change. We cannot possibly know the full story. Similarly there are people who are extremely difficult and/or odd who also happen to be in a stable relationship and have many children, so we know these assumptions are often flawed. But I think it’s something we need to be a lot more mindful of.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well said Cristy. It definitely needs to change since single households are dramatically rising in number everywhere, as Tesco knows (in the press here at the moment due to massive increase in demand for meals-for-one..)
LikeLike
I’m sure some of it is not just in your head, but maybe some of it is. I always expect the worst, when I imagine what others are thinking. Now, I might be right. But I am probably wrong just as often, because most people don’t give other people a lot of thought! Which, I have to say, made me feel a lot better when I accepted that as a fact.
And yes, others do make assumptions. I challenge people when I can. When I feel safe. When I can be bothered. Otherwise, I do a lot of eye-rolling! lol
LikeLiked by 1 person
I agree that a lot of the assumptions about myself are in my head – if I asked anyone I’m sure they’d scoff and tell me they never give it a second thought.
LikeLike
What does it say about me that I’m looking forward to being the office weirdo? Hahaha. Gotta always keep the people guessing!
Yes, I wanted kids. But I didn’t get to have them. And I’m not going to go around sharing my personal information with co-workers… One, it’s not their business nor is it a professional topic of conversation, but, two, people seem to take it as permission to share their asinine opinions and advice. I’ve had enough of both to last a lifetime.
But really, these people are so boring. If all they can talk about are their kids or if all they notice about someone is if they are single and/or childless… they’re not exactly riveting conversation mates.
Anyway, once I graduate from my program and hop back into the working world, I’m sure I will get plenty of opportunities to stomach these thoughtless types of comments. I already hear them now as I am finishing up school with my clinical rotations.
Sigh… It’s just unfortunate that so many people are so predictable and boring. Once I have a salary again (meaning I can afford to take care of one), I am getting a dog. She will be awesome to come home to after a day at the office. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Phoenix I love this, you are an inspiration – you made my day with that comment 🙂🙂🙂
LikeLike
“(my office looks like a fertility clinic waiting room)” — I snorted my wine! That said, I hear you on this. I feel like anything that makes you “other” makes you suspect, but that the women/men who have it worst in the gossip circles are those who don’t have partners and don’t have children. Having a spouse makes it maybe *slightly* less weird for the gossip hounds, although it’s been awful to see coworkers say things about a single childless 40-year-old at school and then turn to me and say, “well, we don’t mean YOU of course, you’re married,” which is terrible. I am every bit the crazy cat lady but I have Bryce… 🙂 There is that sense of “you are different, you are strange” that happens when most people in a situation like work DO have kids and/or husbands, so what is different is scary to some extent. But I love that gift of the 40s to not care quite so much what people think of you, and I love the idea that it’s somewhat subversive to be HAPPY and be outside the “norm.” Does that make sense? The farther I get from the darkest days of our decision making, the more I appreciate all the things I do have and all the things I don’t, BECAUSE we don’t have children, and I feel less guilty about talking about them since obviously the people with kids have no qualms about telling me just how meaningful their lives are due to children, yada yada yada. I guess that sounds petty, but it has some satisfaction. And it’s good to check that impulse to gossip about the “other” in the room.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Brilliant words Jess.
Your co-workers’ comments are horrendous: as if marriage is some kind of magic shield. It makes no sense and it’s practically medieval. Yes, the idea that it’s somewhat subversive to be HAPPY and be outside the “norm” is appealing to me too – as I chew it over through writing this post etc, I come closer to owning it. F%!k the status quo normals who fear anything a bit different.
LikeLike
It made me think about the fact that when you want to adopt the first thing the home study social worker focuses on is how close you are or are not to your existing biological family…as if that determines your ability to parent well… we actually thought about if we ever wanted to go back to DHS to adopt or Foster through the system instead and all we kept thinking of was “well now that we followed our other dream to buy a house in the country and don’t have any friends where we are going, they probably won’t want to talk to us because we don’t have a big clique of friends and family that supposedly makes someone worthy of being a mom…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sure things are going to change as only-children and single-person households become more and more prevalent in the west – people just won’t have those big close family networks any more. Society clings onto that archaic stuff when it needs to move with the times and take into account new types of networks and communities. I know parents who are quite insular and certainly don’t have big friendship groups or families: frustrating how social workers look for an idealized communal situation that rarely exists among biological parents.
LikeLike
A brilliant post as always… who wants to conform to social norms anyway? Not me…
Interestingly I’m not long home after running the gauntlet of the supermarket and coming across an aisle full of chummy mummies all talking about one of the mummies who wasn’t there… they were slating this poor person who wasn’t in their presence whilst I wanted them all to eff off, so I could get to the freezer they were blocking where my ice lollies were…
It would seem as women we are talked about, debated about and assumptions are made of us no matter whether we have kids or not and this is a very sad thing for someone like me, who would dearly like to have a sisterhood instead of one-upmanship. It’s also not so sad for me because I enjoy being a bit of a rebel and not conforming to whatever society deems a woman of my age should ‘be’.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I love reading your blog xxx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Bamb I love what you’ve written! Yes, more and more these days I want to fully ‘own’ being a bit of an anomaly. Who wants to be a generic clone in the burbs. And you’re so right: everyone gets bitched about at the end of the day. Thank you x
LikeLike
I’m guilty of thinking that way about men past a certain age who are single! I have this idea that they can get a bit odd and stuck in their ways! But maybe they are happy that way, so I shouldn’t judge. I have quite a few single friends in their 30s/early 40s and I know a few couples who have chosen to remain childfree and I’ve never thought negatively about them. I can see their lives are happy and full. But I know in Ireland there can be a lot of stigma about single, childless people past a certain age. I think it’s older people who are more judgemental in general though since in the old days an unmarried childless woman would be looked down upon, “old maid”, “spinster” etc.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think it’s a common human tendency to think people are odd if not paired up by a certain age – I wonder if that will ever change …
LikeLike