So I just received the above meme in a direct message from a very good friend of mine, a stay-at-home mum of two.
This friend sent me flowers when I had IVF and she’s one of only three people I discussed my situation with at the time.
We’re in touch every single day and I love that. I always answer back straight away. But I honestly didn’t know what to write in response to this. It felt odd and irrelevant.
I get the meme, of course I do; kids can be tedious. I don’t want to sound like a humourless bastard. But it’s so far removed from my own experience that I felt genuinely awkward trying to fashion a response, and some weird feelings arose. The mention of Mother’s Day felt a bit distasteful (mine died young, and I’m not one, obviously). And is it Mother’s Day? Er, no. I just felt bemused.
I responded with something innocuous like ‘Ha yeah annoying.‘
But I thought afterwards, why reply at all? I’d never send an irritating husband meme to my friend who’s been single for two decades, or an office-life-is-shit meme to the one who was sacked at 45. It wouldn’t feel right, however ‘ok’ I think they are.
I really value this old friend, and I understand that she’s just trying to communicate her own experience to me. However, that’s definitely one to save for the other mums. Know your audience.
It’s weird how even good, old friends, can sometimes not ‘GET’ what we are going through. I like how you wrote, ‘I wouldn’t send…’ because I often think like that. I have a friend that I used to see a ton but, now, every time I invite her to do something, she’s too busy or missed my invite or blah, blah, blah. It is hurtful because her responses are so curt. It leaves me wondering what the hell I did wrong. I mean, doesn’t SHE miss ME???!! And, if she doesn’t, why am I trying so hard???
Anyway, so sorry to hear of your hurt in this and I can relate…
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Hello, I wonder what your friend’s problem is?? That would bother me too. I think people get so wrapped up in their daily stresses that they become quite cruel with people outside of their immediate circle and can come across as very dismissive. I hope it’s not something personal… As for my friend: yes, it’s a rather bizarre thing to send to someone who couldn’t have kids, and while I don’t get angry or upset about these things any more, yeah, I do feel a bit WTF?? Thanks for commenting!
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I am quite a sensitive person (even though I was once in the army). It’s hard to FEEL so much. I think we both get that.
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Yeah that is like the idiot comment “want one of mine?” when people find out we’re involuntarily childless. PS it’s okay to go back and tell her that this kind of thing is a terrible trigger for you…
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Ah thanks EF for your words!
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Hi DS. Yeah, it’s beyond me why someone close to us doesn’t think before they click send. Sometimes silence echoes their own comment back to them. IOW, no response leaves them with only their comment to think about.
My brother and I discussed our fears that children wouldn’t happen for us. Him because he wasn’t married. Well, he married near age forty and ended up with three sons, the second two being twins! Now all he does is complain to everyone about it, including me. I usually don’t respond and walk away when we’re in person.
Good to read you again.
P.S. I don’t post about my childfree status except on rare occasion. Something was bothering me about it recently and I posted a poem if you’re interested. It’s really more referring to my miscarriage and it’s my latest post.
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“No response leaves them with only their comment to think about” – I like that. I think now that it’s the best response. I’d be interested to read your poem. I don’t write much either any more as I feel like I’ve worked it all out of my system, but the odd thing niggles me, like this. I don’t feel it’s a ‘trigger’ as I no longer feel angry or upset: the word I keep coming back to is bemused. If someone has knowledge of your fears about children never happening, like your brother or my friend did, they really shouldn’t presume you’ll welcome their rants or jokey memes about how shit it all is… it’s common sense.
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I know exactly what you mean. It doesn’t bother me like it used to, either. You’re right, it’s just common sense so it’s baffling how someone doesn’t use that sense. My bro is a naturally crabby, negative guy, so I’ve learned to let him roll off my back. Although, sometimes I want to shake him into some positivity and gratitude that has nothing to do with parenthood. He could use an overall change in attitude.
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Yes it sounds like he does… Those constant badly-done-to, martyrish attitudes can be very wearing… It’s hard to take, year after year.
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Not your friend’s most empathetic moment. I’m cringing from this meme and completely agree about knowing one’s audience.
I would advocate not responding. Sadly, uncomfortable silence is usually required as the other options (calling them out or sending a husband meme) would be seen as more hurtful. Often I believe people don’t think things through, which is what gets them into these situations.
Sorry that you are dealing with this.
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Thanks for stopping by Cristy. Funnily enough, most of the people I have text conversations with do just leave my messages hanging if I complain about work or something they can’t relate to. I’m one of those people that can’t ignore things, but I sure will from now on …
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People need to totally ‘pick their audience’ – my brother recently when comparing stories of travelling through Europe kept making a point of saying how hard it was to travel with a 4yr old, and how they couldn’t do this that or the next thing…..besides the obvious privilege of actually being able to take your child on a trip to Europe (its a long way from NZ!!), our trip to Europe that we were sharing stories from was for fertility treatment!! I get life with kids can be hard, but tell that to your other parent friends not the childless ones.
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Ah no – I can’t believe he was complaining about that when you were sharing stories about your fertility treatment trip! I think that most parents (especially of young kids or teens) believe that those without children are essentially lucky and have no right to complain about anything, whatever the circumstances of their non-parent status. I sometimes feel like this is just irrevocable; it’s sad, but it’s certainly the vibe that I usually get
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Oh yes i agree, it’s like parents think they have such a hard life. No one can ever be as tired or stressed as a parent etc…..and woe is them who have to look after their kids all day during the school holidays! 🤦🏼♀️
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You’re stronger than I am. I would have responded with “Wanna Trade?”
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Ha I like that!
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A close friend of mine lost her husband suddenly, he was 46. She too had to endure insensitive people railing on about their annoying husbands and the difficulties of marriage. Her take? “Wrong audience”, she would say. Totally agree with you about knowing your audience!
Receiving that from a friend, and she sounds like a good friend, would leave me awash in befuddlement. Responding or not responding depends on how much you trust the person, I can see reasons for both.
Though I’m less reactive to things than I used to be, I have absolutely no use for the over riding theme that this meme represents – the “Woah is me, as a trodden upon parent I have it harder than everyone else” narrative that is oblivious to privilege and to the losses and strife that come with alternative life scenarios.
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I think I will adopt “Wrong audience” as a text reply, I like the snappiness, Yeah, befuddled is a good description – I just think: “What on earth do you think I’m going to say to that, you weirdo?!”. Yes these memes are annoying. I feel the same about my office but grew out of circulating them years ago: I certainly don’t send them to this friend, since she demonstrated long ago she has no patience for them and would leave them hanging (being a stay-at-home mom). Ah, will we all ever see eye to eye I wonder.
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