There’s an interesting piece in Time magazine by 57-year-old Stephanie Zacharek which I can relate to a lot. Zacharek was never wholly convinced about having children but found herself trying to conceive in her 30s in an attempt (I think) at ‘just in case’ parenthood:
When I reached the age when I was supposed to be desperate to be a mother–early to mid-30s–I didn’t feel desperate; I only felt unsure.
Although she would have happily fallen into pregnancy if she hadn’t had problems conceiving, she felt little affinity for those who were desperate to have a baby at any cost:
I’d seen other women who wanted babies so much that they almost seemed to be erasing a part of themselves with their anxiety.
She wishes that she had trusted that life would be OK with or without a baby, but that’s hard in your late thirties when your window of opportunity is rapidly closing and you feel like a ticking time bomb. Like me, she knows a number of younger women who wonder whether they really want a child (a couple that I know are sure they don’t, but still have The Fear).
Should they try to have one anyway? And if they don’t have one, what will their lives be like?
Although at 46 I never actively wish that I had offspring – apart from some abstract anxieties about feeling left out in the future when all my peers are banging on about their grandchildren, and about dying alone (but don’t we all?). Company is important to me, but it’s usually good adult company that I crave.
I’m aware there is still a perception that non-parents over 40 are somehow tragic, especially if they are single: I’m sometimes guilty of this bias myself; it’s an entrenched notion that will only change with time.
So many accounts of lives without children–lives like mine–are met with reactions like, “How sad! This is all she’s got?” But to paraphrase John Wayne in one of my favorite movies, Howard Hawks’ Rio Bravo, that ain’t all I got, it’s what I got.
With the rising cost of living, the enhanced focus on the impacts of climate change and the general awfulness of the world today, we may see a change in attitudes towards older non-parents sooner than we think.
And this Christmas, a tipsy family member aged 67, a grandfather of five, said something to a room full of people that surprised me and warmed my childless cockles:
“I spend X-amount of time with all my grandchildren, and I spend X-amount of time going on holiday with my wife, and I have to say that I enjoy the holidays more”
True story.
Featured image: Chiara Zarmati for TIME magazine
Good post.
I have ten years on you, and being around children for me now is exhausting. I have little energy for (sometimes little patience) my brother’s 3 boys. They need constant activity. I love them, but the two words they say that annoy me the most are, “I’m bored.”
If I had children when I wanted, they’d be young adults by now.
Thanks for the thoughtful post.
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Thanks Lori. I find small children tedious now, where once they all pretty much charmed me to some extent. I sometimes think it would be great to fast forward straight to having adult kids without having put the work in … although from what I see around me, just as much hard work goes into maintaining good adult relationships with offspring, if not much more…
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A good article. How refreshing to read that there is not one way in life. about a quarter of women born in the 60s will never have children.. and that is OK. I feel that people who feel they have a right to openly comment on others childless/free status are projecting some of their own hidden insecurities about there lifestyle choices.
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Yes, it took me a while to realise that those comments are mostly projection and self-validation, but when you do realise it, it helps a lot. Thanks for the comment!
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Interesting read. I think so much of it is that in our society kids are often as boxed-in as the rest of us. You know how you meet some kids and just go “dang that’s a really cool kid” and others you want to sprint away from? kind of like kids who are forced to sit at the kids table versus the ones who are invited to be part of the conversation during holiday meals. Not sure if this makes sense but basically I think about how even when I wasn’t sure in my twenties about having kids, I still like being around them and they me because I didn’t treat them like they were idiots, which is similar to how my dad raised me, and how my mom’s side of the family always had me at the table and encouraged me to be part of the conversation even if it was about politics or something I wasn’t as knowledgeable about. I guess I’m roofing off that grandfather’s quote, because I’ve been in those situations where there’s 9 million grandchildren around and you want to pull your hair out and yet I’ve been in other situations where adults and kids equally roam around and enjoy each other’s company as human beings. I’m glad I never tried to have kids when I wasn’t sure even though ultimately I ended up getting screwed in the fertility game. The only anger I have is that I didn’t meet my current husband at a younger age as in my twenties I was married to an alcoholic who I knew if I ever decided I wanted children, that this would not be the guy to have them with. I have a lot of friends who simply had kids because that’s what you were supposed to do as soon as you got married out of college, because we often had parents who grew up in the 1950s and were the same way. so I can say that I don’t have any regrets about the years I spent before trying to have kids, more just being pissed off at the way things ended up fertility wise and adoption wise thus far. I’ve been thinking about how people have mentioned fostering to me and it’s just not the same thing and honestly I would rather adopt about 50 dogs if things don’t work out for us with adoption. Trying oh so hard to evolve in this healing that seems so hard to come by…
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I think the grandfather of five is purely knackered – all of the kids are pretty hyper and I’d say he’s done after a few minutes. What I really admire about him and his wife is that they seem genuinely happy and content in one another’s company: they don’t seem to live for their offspring’s visits, they have plenty to do inbetweentimes. Yeah, when I have the fear about being old and alone I sometimes feel angry with myself about one circumstantial thing or another, but then I remember that it was right to not try to have kids when I didn’t want them; when I did think I wanted them, I was stopped by a physical condition – I sometimes forget all this. As time goes on you sometimes forget the bad luck and the obstacles that were thrown your way that conspired to screw things up… I don’t know if I’m making sense, but I often blame myself for things that I couldn’t control at the time. I agree about the dogs: I couldn’t foster, it’s not for everyone, and I’d go with the 50 dogs myself….
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I love your(?) grandfather’s comment! Fantastic. When I approached 30 (Now approaching 40), my husband and I had a wee issue with his family. His mom, who already had 4 grandchildren, started making comments towards us/quasi pressuring us. My husband very quickly ended the line of questioning, and took the kid subject off the table. At the time, we didn’t know what we wanted for sure, but sure as hell, it wasn’t her business.
I contrast this to my folks, who do not have/wont have any grandchildren. Around that same time, I had a heart to heart with my dad, who just wanted to reassure us that there was no pressure from them to have children. That the only thing my parents were concerned about was that my sister and I were healthy, happy and had love in our life. Our family of just adults was perfect in their eyes, as it is in mine.
I try to hold this in my heart when complete strangers question the not having kids. I know that my drive in life is partly to take care of people, but I enjoy it because I know there is an end time. My home is an oasis where all I need to take care of is myself (and my cats… and sometimes my husband).
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Hi Meg, I really respect your parents’ attitude that your ‘family of just adults was perfect’ – one of my empathy blind-spots is parents who have two or three perfectly nice adult children but crave and grieve over their lack of grandchildren: I just can’t get on board with that. Appreciate what you have! So good to hear of parents who genuinely do. I have also started to see that my home is an oasis and that what I formerly thought of as ‘doing nothing’ (e.g. reading, watching films, working on my interests, looking after my other half) is not meaningless and empty but my way of spending this life in as pleasurable and peaceful a way as possible… Thanks for the comment!
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Hahaha the grandfather said he enjoyed his holidays with his wife more than his time with his grandchildren! That’s hilarious. It’s not what he was “supposed” to say and I applaud him for his honesty.
Good article. I particularly liked this line: “By choosing openness over some false idea of completeness, I’ve had more enriching work than I ever imagined.” I especially like the idea of “openness” versus a “false idea of completeness.” It helps put words to my experience, as I am just charging through the openness that is my life without children post-infertility.
Also, I’ve missed you! It’s so good to come back after several months away from the computer and be able to read several posts from you. Hope you are well. ❤
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Hi Phoenix! Yes I also like the idea of not striving to find some kind of ‘completeness’ – who is ever really ‘complete’?? The notion of being complete through having kids is a false one anyway, I think, based on outdated perceptions of women without children being pitiable. And no one finds completeness through their job, surely – even people with the most enviable jobs get sick of them eventually. I am coming round to being more open about my experience with infertility, especially as people around me start to complain about having empty nest syndrome and wanting grandchildren…
Yeah I’ve not been online much either… Hope you’re keeping well yourself Phoenix! x
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