Virtually every parent I know has at some point said to me “I only like my own children”, or, as some of my circle would put it: “I couldn’t give a toss about other people’s kids”.
Fair enough, humans are wired to feel an unconditional commitment towards their own offspring; it’s normal to feel relatively indifferent to the children of others.
Where does this leave people without children? In my case, the only kids I really care about, along with those I’m related to and those of my friends, are the ones I didn’t have.
Similar, then, but not the same.
I am unmoved by loose acquaintances’ or colleagues’ tales of their children; I find it hard to muster up the appropriate small-talk. I’ve been very self-conscious about this, however. Afraid of looking like some kind of …… child-hating crone. Unnatural.
My own delusions. But there it is: as a woman over 40 without children, I’ve sometimes obliged myself to look interested for longer. Not just for the sake of politeness.
So when trapped at a work lunch with six acquaintances swapping stories about their kids, or enduring a conversation about babies with people I don’t like much, or fake-laughing at an unfunny anecdote about a colleague’s teenagers, I’ve tended to set my face to riveted until rigor mortis sets in.
Anxious that if I act like the average male and scarper as soon as I can, these mothers might think: doesn’t have kids = doesn’t like kids.
I realise that such interactions are a necessary social emollient. But at least parents have some common ground, can take a turn at talking about their own children. Me, I find them awkward.
And, I confess, disgruntling, having been denied the opportunity of a kid to bang on about.
Are they all in my head, though, these presumptions that I’m something a bit aberrant, and need to compensate for it? Where did they come from?
From casual observation, half the population couldn’t care less about how these things look. So next time I’m going to say to myself:
what would most men do right now?
I like some kids. There are certain kids that I know that I find annoying. More so than not liking kids I find myself not liking certain parents. The ones who think their kid is perfect and clueless that they are in fact little assholes. In a lot of ways it’s the parent that creates what the kid is.
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So true in many cases. When I do meet acquaintances’ kids, I generally think they’re OK, I just annoy myself because I worry about how I ‘seem’ – not sure why I care
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I guess it is normal to worry about what other people think. The only times I seem to be able to completely forget about it is when I don’t have the strength to worry about it :-). For example in the depths of grief: then, survival was more important than what others thought of me.
I am not very interested in hearing people talk about their children, except if they are my friends or part of my family. I am polite, but I will not ask them many questions in order to make them talk even more on that subject.
I just realiized while reading this post and writing this comment that I liked children a lot better and more naturally before I knew that I would never have children. They then represented something I looked forward to. There were always some children whom I liked better than others, of course. Some are better behaved than others or simply prettier. Seeing children sometimes still causes me pain. When it doesn’t, I am often indifferent. In some cases, I do find them cute (for example my niece), but it doesn’t happen often. My heart is not as open towards children as it used to be. Maybe this will change yet; I hope so.
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I agree with that Elaine – my heart is definitely less open towards children now. I was more open to them / interested in them / curious about them when there was a possibility I might have them myself.That kind of ‘goodwill’ has gone a bit; I also don’t know if that will change. Very interesting to hear your perspective, thanks
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This is my nightmare, being trapped at work lunch with colleagues who start sharing stories about their kids. It makes me sad, having to be quiet all lunch. Lunches like that make me realize, what an outsider I am.
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Whenever this kind of thing happens I’m going to disappear to ‘the toilet’, and find a quiet corner with WiFi. Or train a friend to call me with an ’emergency’. I must get creative around this!
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I love this. The post, not people talking about their children. Those subtly (and not subtly) prescribed roles when it comes to fielding the small-talk about them. I hadn’t thought of it like that before. But you’re right. Is it the wimmin in your place who talk about them mostly? One of my favourite ever colleagues was a bloke who sat next to me. I didn’t know for a good six months he had kids. Folk thought he was odd, I just thought he was highly civilised.
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‘Tis the wimmin …. It’s the ones who do very loud squeaky/shrieky voices for their children when they’re telling their lengthy stories that bother me most …. I have a few allies with kids who can’t bear it either. My favourite ‘civilised’ mam friend just marches out of the room when it happens: I love that, but don’t have the nuts to do it. It’s not just me I’m glad to say…
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Yeah. Monopolising the conversation is a fast-track to becoming a knob at the best of times. But to do it with interminable tales of children should come with a colleague advisory warning that permits severe bashing around the head with a Farley’s encrusted kipper. Theirs. Or your own – possibly more satisfying in the short-term.
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Is that some kind of fishy rusk in breadcrumbs? Farleys have expanded their range since I was a nipper
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Yep. The new orgasmic range. Sorry, organic. And better for the environment.
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It does sound like it would biodegrade very quickly; rusks always did have something of the farmyard about them…
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This happens so often when you are first meeting someone. You don’t want to seem rude. Most of the time, I just give in and let people go on and on about their kids. I really want to be included. I try to change the conversation, but people seem to be so use to kids being the topic of all of their conversations. Then they hardly notice I have nothing to add. I find myself in conversations with men more often than not. I would rather talk about cars. 🙂
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I sometimes worry in these situations that people think I just have nothing to say. With people I don’t care about, that doesn’t really matter, but I do also worry my friends with kids think I have nothing to contribute or I’m not interested.
Yeah it’s definitely better to gravitate towards the men in these circumstances! Thanks for dropping by I love hearing what people think 🙂
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Such an interesting thing to think on! I dislike when the conversation goes to children and then stays there, because I sit there like your marionnette and try to have a pleasant face on while I have absolutely nothing to contribute. BUT, I do generally enjoy other people’s children, which is a good thing since I am a teacher. I like the awkward stages (I teach 8th grade) more than the little ones en masse, though. I enjoy the kids a lot more than their parents most of the time, because I don’t feel it constantly pointed out that I’m NOT one (kids don’t tend to single me out that way, it’s not natural conversation, ha). I do really love it (sarcasm sarcasm) when people assume that I don’t need my own children or it lessens the fact that I don’t have any at the moment because “you must love your students like your children.” Oh, I love my students, but it’s not the same thing at all. AT ALL. As for the guys, they don’t seem to think as deeply on this stuff, and go off to talk to like-minded people all the time. Somehow they get away with that sort of thing. It’s a weird thing to assume that people without kids don’t like kids, but you can also not prefer their company (or people who only talk about them) without not liking them, if that makes any sense.
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I used to teach kids, and I totally agree that it is NOTHING like having your own. My experience was a bit like crowd control but yes, you really grow fond of some of them. But not a substitute. As for men, it’s amazing how much they get away with – they can basically leave any social/family situation they are in and disappear for a significant length of time without anyone saying anything much: it’s incredible (I exaggerate but it’s pretty much like that)….
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you know I think it’s rude actually when people totally monopolize a conversation about one topic for ages and don’t include everybody, regardless of the subject matter! For some reason parents, but particularly women I find, do this ALL THE TIME!
I will try to be polite and ask friends how their kids are but after a certain amount of time has passed (30 mins / one hour) I reach my limit and it can just get so boring!! Like people talking in depth about potty training while I’m trying to enjoy my lunch. Of course complaining about it now I hope it doesn’t sound like a kid hater since obviously I’m not but yeah there is a limit to how interesting other people’s children are. And I think it would be more interesting to talk about topics where everyone could join in.
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Oh god, I can’t believe people would ruin someone’s lunch with potty training stories… that’s appalling! Worst subject ever.
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“I’ve tended to set my face to riveted until rigor mortis sets in” Best line in a blog, ever! I love your writing. I have to say, feeling like the odd one out is uncomfortable. Your feelings on this are normal. I feel this way when people tell stories about their non-adopted and non-traumatized children. They’re happy their kid won some award at school. I’m happy my kid trusts me enough to let me clean her puke (A story I would NEVER share at dinner!!).
With that said, hearing stories from childless people can be like a tall drink of water. They got to travel where? They did what? On a Tuesday??? That sounds awesome! I think we can all learn a little from each other. Your stories are probably super interesting and probably contain less bodily fluids. Tell away!
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Thanks HerdingChickens! I’m also really interested in the assorted gulfs/connections between parents and non-parents. I do have a few bodily fluid stories but probably should never reveal them…
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