I have a guest post on Mumsnet about how (I think) I came to be a non-parent at 44:
I know a few people who are distinctly ambivalent about whether they want children or not. I have a 35-year-old friend who thinks she should have them, to avoid risking any regrets, but has a host of doubts. These include work insecurities, her partner’s precarious mental health and the fact that she just isn’t that keen. She may also have a (hopefully treatable) serious illness, which would delay things until she is at least 37. Whether or not she will be able to have children looms large in her thoughts, yet she isn’t sure if she actually, really wants them.
I have another Irish friend who is 42 and has been with her partner for 12 years. After a very traumatic childhood, she was always vehement in her decision to never have children. She is now attempting IVF, following late-blossoming fears that she will regret her decision.
It may seem a strange state of affairs in the eyes of women who unequivocally knew they wanted children long before the window of opportunity started to close, yet it seems to be a common condition, this ambivalence mixed with fear of regret.
And I’ve never known a case that had anything to do with “career”.
People may read my story and think: good thing she didn’t have children, if she was having them for those reasons. But how many women were like me and went on to successfully have children? I’ll never know, because those who do have children don’t tend to talk about why they had them, whereas those who don’t have children often find themselves explaining.
I tell my story to show that there are many routes to not having children, and they are not always straightforward. And also, as always, to reassure those who are in the eye of the storm that it will pan out fine if they fall into the percentage that don’t reproduce, or adopt.
It’s as sad, lonely and scary as you want it to be.
A hugely powerful blog- thank you for sharing this with us.
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Thank you so much
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I’ve read some anonymous accounts of parents who have regretted having children. I noticed that what they seemed to have in common was that most were ambivalent or not particularly keen to have kids but it was what was expected of them. So I definitely think that if someone doesn’t want to then they should not feel pressured into it. However on the other hand I’ve also read stories of people who thought they didn’t want kids and then had them and loved it. When I wonder about when I should say enough is enough and stop going through infertility treatments, one of the main things I think about is which is the path of least regrets…
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I too worried a lot about having real and lasting regrets, but I think also that it depends on your personality type, too – if you are generally a resilient person, you’ll dwell less on the “blow” and more on moving forward. I don’t know if I can call myself resilient after telling that story! but I do tend by nature not to focus on pursuing things that are no longer unattainable, so I’m hoping I’ll always feel OK about it…
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Your blogs always make feel better about what my future might hold, thank you!
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That means a lot to me!
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Dubliner brought up a great point of an emerging subculture where people who did go on to parent talk about regretting this decision. And how we’re finally talking about all the reason people need to evaluate whether or not to expand their families.
Regardless, it is terribly traumatic to find yourself no longer able to make that decision. But too often people jump to judgement instead of simply acknowledging the pain. I’m currently watching a dear friend going through treatment in her mid-40s even though she is aware of the odds of success. She doesn’t need me judging her for her decisions and frankly it isn’t fair of me to do so. Reproduction is ingrained in us biologically, hence why infertility is so traumatic.
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I wish it wasn’t so traumatic, and yes it is ingrained; I just hope a change in attitudes will occur to help people fear the future less.
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That’s the tricky part as there is an inherent fear about living outside of what is considered the norm. A big part of the conversation now needs to be confronting some of the myths (I.e. Having children so someone will care for you in your old age) and some of the practicals. But also the fear that somehow different is less.
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I agree 100%
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“…those who do have children don’t tend to talk about why they had them, whereas those who don’t have children often find themselves explaining.”–> SO TRUE
Thank you for sharing your story, really. I’m so sorry for your mum.
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Thanks Sara
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“And I’ve never known a case that had anything to do with “career”.”
Me neither. Sometimes the career may be a consequence of not having children though.
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I like that idea… I’m in need of a career
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My parents were in their 40s when I was born, so I’ve never much worried about having kids, as I knew I would never have any before my 30s — I love other people’s kids, but I definitely don’t want my own right now. However, I’m now in my early 30s and I know that I will have to make a decision in the next few years, and I worry about making the wrong choice. As for career, I’m starting from 0 in a new field and so the prospect of having kids in the next couple years does worry me on that level too. I appreciate reading these stories of different situations, circumstances, choices, etc.
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Hi Catherine, I found my 30s bloody hard! The hardest decade I think, maybe, for women
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Oh no!! Bracing myself… It’s funny, I find that people I know in their 30s say that 30s are so much better than 20s, but people over 30 say that their 40s are the best time. Someone I know told me that 47 was the best age “because my kids were out of the house and I still looked good in a bikini.”
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Great post. I definitely delayed trying to conceive because I wanted a career – but that was in my 20s, and I thought I had plenty of time, and I wanted to feel the maternal urge first! I think the whole “career” thing is a way of blaming those of us without children, making it all our own fault, when as you say, it is always much more complicated than that.
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