Mumsnet recently featured a messageboard thread that discussed the fear of loneliness and depression in childless women over 45. The topic was picked up by a few newspapers this month. The Mirror attributed the blame to the current fixation on all things pregnancy and child-related:
“Much of the obsession regarding motherhood comes from a good, if not slightly old-fashioned place – we see a woman having a baby as her getting the happy ending and fulfilment she deserves”.
A gloss over the subject, but these days the childless-not-by-choice (and mothers alike) are subjected to a mostly rose-tinted view of raising children in the media, and certain parents compound this by trumping up the #feelingblessed version of family life. (Also, what was Beyonce thinking at the Grammys?)
The question from the OP on Mumsnet was:
“Women who are single and have no children, post 45? This is what I’m facing so I’m not being nasty. I’m just wondering if loneliness is inevitable and things like holidays and so on (I know you can go alone but this isn’t for me) any advice? [sic]”
Why is she asking Mumsnet, I thought. What do the mums know about being single and childless in middle age? Being single and childless in your twenties or thirties is light years away from that.
I’ve always been sceptical about the ability of one side to provide insights into the experience of the other. I know I’ve been guilty of not empathising with the lot of parents. Do they secretly raise an eyebrow at me, in turn, when I allude to the quiet aftermath of my own losses? I’ve certainly felt that sometimes.
And can I ever presume to tell a single person that they’ll be fine without kids, when I’m married?
And what do the happily childfree think of the childless-not-by-choice who are still raw? Here’s a recent tweet I got:
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how all these different cohorts interact and see one another, about which attitudes exacerbate polarity and which help break it down.
Honestly, will we ever fully understand and empathize with each other? Probably not. Not all the time, or at the same time. Should we just accept this, are we OK with it?
Lost in a black hole a few years ago, I thought my friends were ungrateful and insensitive when they moaned about how tough child-rearing was. Now that fog has lifted, I can finally hear them. The more vulnerable you feel, the harder it is to appreciate that there are happy and also desperately unhappy people in every domestic situation available.
Anyway, I think that the contributions below from the mothers who responded to the childless, post-45 OP on Mumsnet are particularly eloquent on how children are not the fast-track to satisfaction that they might sometimes seem to be. Especially to those who feel like they’re on the losing team.
“I read something in a weekend magazine that said the typical midlife experience for a woman with a family was one of constant, knackering, amateur psychiatric nursing for all those around her… That sounds so bloody familiar just now. I have teenage angsty kids, a student son with some quite severe mental health problems and a depressed other half. Although I love them
very deep downI want to run away most days and have a turn at just being me. The trivial bits – my sleep patterns, my timescale, my radio choice, my head space, my own bed, my paint choice – and my chance to go out and not worry that I’ll miss another frantically distressed call from son. I should probably delete this. You sound so sad, and it never really helps to hear that others are too. But the grass is not always greener”.
“I’ve come to learn that loneliness is very much about mental attitude. It’s perfectly possible to be intensely, cripplingly, lonely even if you’re married with kids and surrounded by people every day. Family members just take what they need from you, take you for granted, you’re stuck having to ‘serve’ them and you can’t even get a bit of time for yourself, because of your responsibilities to them. Any change involves upsetting the apple cart, and if you’re feeling lonely, unsupported and depressed, this is the last thing you want to do. So it all just plods on, while everyone assumes you’re happy as can be, because it’s easier to pretend than have to confront the truth and upset everyone… When I was feeling particularly isolated, it really helped me to talk to a counsellor”.
“Once you are over fifty, even if you’ve had children mostly they are off living their own lives, not crowding round mum offering to take her out every weekend. But you still have that little niggle of worry in the back of your head ‘what if something happens to one of them’? So you live alone, worrying about something you can’t do anything about, visiting enough to keep everyone happy but not enough to suffocate…it’s stressful and tricky. And often, because you’ve brought children up alone, you’ve been trapped in part time, dead end jobs, and once the kids leave there’s nobody suddenly leaping up with a fabulous, well paid full time job. And you’re old. So you live trapped in ‘little jobs’ in poverty. That’s where I am. You have to make your own happiness, OP. Kids, partners, money, don’t do it for you. I am, despite not being able to afford to heat my house, happy. Love the little things – a cream bun, warm toes, a good programme on the telly, a new library book. That’s where pleasure lies”.
Then the non-mother who responded with this also caught my eye:
“…. I‘m getting closer to accepting my possible fate, as a single childless woman for life. I then have two choices – embrace it or mourn it”.
This was such an interesting, thought-provoking post. I have several friends who are childless- either single or married and over 45. For those whom I didn’t know 10 years ago, I never asked them if they’re childless by choice. I feel like in most cases, whatever the reason, they’ve moved on to create full lives without children and to bring them back 10 years, just to satisfy my own curiosity would be cruel and selfish.
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I think people are always curious but it’s nice and respectful just to treat people as normal and not ask questions
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You’re so right about the fog warping the words of those around you. I have the same reactions when it comes to money – when I’m down the rabbit hole, and I hear people complaining about being “poor” while posting pictures of their fabulous lifestyle on social media… it’s so hard not to lose my brain. Perspective is everything. Thanks for sharing yours.
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It’s almost impossible to be circumspect when you’re lost in the fog
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Embrace it or mourn it ❤ Love that.
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I think lonliness transcends family configurations, and it’s chamelon-like in casting a shadow from surprising sources. I agree it’s a tall order to expect everyone to understand one another wherever they be in life; especially when that experience is often in flux for the person going through it. The best we can do is to let people just be, wherever that impermanent or regular place is.
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Very perceptive words Dept, I agree
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Some really interesting contributions from the mothers there. It reminds me of a conversation with a friend of mine, who basically said that she was the same as me now, because both her children have left home. I’ve had a post on that brewing for years … maybe I should go away and dig it up and finish it!
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Please get that post up Mali!! I’d love to read ir
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I could not agree more to the fact that one cannot provide any advise to the other. I am childfree and do I know a bit about motherhood and feelings that a woman goes through? No. I know stuff from what friends or peers talk about and that is also a filtered version.
A very thought provoking post there.
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HI, Laura Carroll, author of Families of Two and The Baby Matrix here…we may not be able to totally understand each other, but can definitely connect…this was the experience of many at the NotMom Summit, https://www.lauracarroll.com/finding-connection-commonality-community-at-the-first-not-mom-summit/ where there were childfree, childless, childless by circumstance women gathered. The next one is October of this year. With kids or not, we can all relate to pronatalist messaging that relates to our particular reproductive status or situation – they may be different, e.g., pushing the myth that we are all supposed to Want kids, and if you want kids, having biological ones are ‘ best’ and if you can’t somehow you should feel shame, ETC. I talk about this and more in The Baby Matrix…thank you for this post!
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Thanks so much Laura, just having a look at that now.
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Embrace or mourn it. Says it all for me. I’m still in the TTC world (though pretty battle weary now) but had lunch with a 42 year old friend who decided to stop TTC after 4 years and is totally embracing life. Life is what you make it…regardless of the cards you get dealt.
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So true, Wonky
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Then there’s also the people who are stuck in unhappy marriages for the sake of children. I recently had a conversation with an older relation on my husbands side who admitted she should have left her partner about 20 years ago but she stayed because of the children. I agree with what Department of Speculation also mentioned that loneliness is something everyone can experience despite their circumstances, more so as you get older I think.
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Empathy between the different cohorts is possible in real life, I think, when we truly care. I have experienced this in my family and with some close friends. But it takes some efforts on both sides. There are times when we all get too tired for this or are simply too busy or preoccupied with our own lives.
I guess it is different when you don’t know eachother in person. I am not sure about the interaction on the web. Written words are easily misunderstood when you don’t know the author. Especially if one side is vulnerable, as for example in grief. Plus: empathy and true understanding are two separate things. I have hope for empathy, but maybe not that much for understanding. Respect would be the key word here, I think. Or what’s your opinion?
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Yes I think respect would be the thing to aim for. I agree that true understanding is perhaps unachievable unless all parties concerned have experienced the same thing. Empathy is maybe easier as it’s a modern concept that’s been drummed into us over the last decade or so; it’s easier for someone to ‘act’ empathetic. I agree with the tired and busy thing. I have busy parent friends & relatives, old friends from way back, that I’ve accepted have no time at all for my seemingly self-indulgent warblings so I never mention when I’m feeling down to them, as the (non-)reaction can upset me. You get tougher as the years go on and as you become less vulnerable.
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I think you can embrace it AND mourn it…. or perhaps you have to mourn it first before you can take steps toward embracing it? Anyway, fabulous post! 🙂
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Thanks Loribeth
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I’m 36, a couple of more years before I hit 45, we’ve stopped trying and I’m embracing it, I think I am doing a great job most of the time accepting that I can never have children. It’s just that at this age, I don’t really belong to any group in my circle, I have single friends my age and I don’t really think they would understand me, or understand them since I’m married. I get lonely most of the time, when I wake up in the morning I try to cheer myself up, and be grateful and all. I wonder if I would still be like this when I’m 40 or 50.
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Honestly I believe it’s quite hard to make friends post-35 whatever category you’re in. I don’t think if I was a mum I’d have loads of mum friends. In fact I often do surveys on the mums I know and they confirm that having kids wasn’t the passport to friendship and community that they thought it would be … at least that’s what they tell me!
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Hi Claire. Sounds like you’re doing a really good job in difficult circumstances. Have you heard about Gateway Women? http://gateway-women.com/ They organise meetups for women without children across the UK. And have a forum which has members from all over the world. I’ve found it really useful for meeting new people and for finding people who understand the grief that can come up at not having children. I think a lot of women on there have found it’s really eased their loneliness as it’s a great support network.
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Jody Day/Gateway is amazing
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Great to read everyone’s replies and hear the understanding between people with different experiences. I’m in my early 40s and childless-by-circumstance and have just split from my partner, but lots of lovely people have come into my life over the past couple of years and I’ve found there are people out there open to making new friendships — for me it’s all about availability and open-ness. I generally find non-mothers have more time and availability but I’ve also forged some enriching new friendships with mothers who now have grown-up children. I am still grieving not having children myself, and therefore find it difficult to be around my friends with young children at the moment, but the future is beginning to look less scary, as more new people come into my life.
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Thank you so much for your comment. It’s great to hear from CNBC women who are finding their feet. I agree that it’s important to have lots of connections like this, also with mothers (the right sort)…
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This is a brilliant post… I certainly agree that it’s exhausting being a parent and doing the juggling act.The difficulty I’ve found never having children and growing older and now being past 45 is that I have no family around at all and most people I know with kids have sort of floated away, only to be seen rarely nowadays as their kids have had kids – so their time is taken up with different family commitments, caring for grandchildren.
As I’ve never had children, I don’t get included in anything of this nature at all because I have no common bond of children or grandchildren. I see social media posts of my friends and their grandchildren doing lovely things together and a part of me feels very sad and lonely that I’m not there with them. But then I have to give myself a shake and think things could be so much worse – at least I have a full time job at the moment and a roof over my head.
I’ve also found that as I’ve got older and my friends have all become grandparents I see less and less of them and I mourn the loss of the friendships. I try and find new interests to keep me amused and occupied and a purpose to get out of the house – but even then these things are fraught with people asking if I’ve got kids and then all gathering together to talk about their offspring one after the other.
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Hi Bamberlamb I can definitely relate to all that… People’s lives revolve around their children & grandchildren more and more as they get older; it’s kind of like an instant social life or community for them, without any of the effort of going out and looking for it! In that way I envy them: I have no such community on tap and I worry about how that will be when I’m older… I wish we had ‘communes’ made up of of friends and peers to look forward to, instead of getting ever more isolated
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