In the brilliant show Catastrophe, Sharon (age 44, two children, both conceived post-40) discovers she has low ovarian reserve. She’s depressed afterwards and moans:
“I just found out I’m, like, 99% barren… I’m just an old crone… I should start figuring out if I wanna be buried or cremated… I’m getting so old… my eggs are dead”.
She worries about her husband getting the urge to have more babies: her eggless body won’t be able to provide them and he’ll leave her.
“I’m rotting!” she says.
These very feelings hit me too, like a sledgehammer, but I was 37. Unlike Sharon, I had zero kids. Obviously I wasn’t dying or anything but it felt like I’d suddenly been fast-tracked right to the end of my life. It didn’t help that my mum had died at 39 and I couldn’t see past that age.
I saw a counsellor. It went something like this: I have accidentally found myself ensconced in a career that saps the life force out of me. I can’t seem to break free of it. Now I’m told I don’t even have the option of children. What road do I take now? I’ve lost my compass. Where’s all the meaning gone? I’m half-dead. Help.
Her only advice was to wear an elastic band around my wrist and ping it whenever I felt panicky.
I hit a cul-de-sac after fertility treatment and let inertia take over. I coasted for a while thinking families had it better than me, with their purposeful hustle and bustle, and that I’d die lonely. I was plagued by the thought that I should be doing something big and impressive with my life, like Oprah, because I wasn’t raising children.
Then one day I just wasn’t receptive to these feelings any more. I’d moved on. Goodbye childless, hello childfree.
The inertia about my still-dreary career remained. though. I was free to do anything with my future: take risks, change direction, go anywhere. Luxuries many parents don’t have, not to mention folk in direr straits than me. Only now I’d accidentally hit my mid-forties and … my mind was blank.
What do you do when you still don’t know what you want to do?
I know I don’t want to stay in the workplace I’m in. Nor do I want to move on to more of the same. My stern career coach chided me to “think long and hard about leaving a permanent, pensionable job!”. I racked my brain for ingenious ideas and new fields, until it creaked. Then I just carried on carrying on.
How do you snap out of safe and easy routines that you are sleepwalking through day after day, when you don’t know what the alternatives are, or whether there are any left, now?
Where’s that goddamn elastic band?
Inspiration welcome
Funny as I’m a career coach and recruiter and would never dare say that to a client! I’m here to support them in their journey!
Anyhoo, my best advice I got (which btw led me to leaving my corporate job and starting my own business 5 years ago) was to make the Warren Buffett 25-5 list (http://jamesclear.com/buffett-focus). It totally helped me identify and then prioritize what I want next in my life (way more than any cheesy career path quiz/assessment). I did it again this year and it’s on my fridge. So vital to keep me in check!
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Thank you so much EF, I’m totally in need of advice like this right now! I will absolutely investigate that.
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Hi, I checked out the link myself and it sounds like great advice. Thanks for sharing.
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Your situation resonates with me. I was told, at age 30, that I had Premature Ovarian Failure and would not conceive (as my ovaries had “disappeared”). I was also “stuck” in a job I hated, being paid a fraction what I should have been getting. I suffered through depression for years (not even realizing I was depressed). Finally, hubby had had enough and told me he wanted to sell our house and move out of state. I actually jumped at the chance and we now live minutes from the beach and I do medical coding from home (which I love and pays quite nicely). Sometimes we do need to move out of our comfort zone, and sometimes we just need a swift kick in the pants to give us the incentive.
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Hi Jewel I can’t imagine how you must have felt with POF at 30: it’s so young, it must’ve been traumatic.
Re work/moving: I also need to change house; I think I need a kick up the arse like that as I just seem unable to make a decision. You sound like you have a lovely life now – I like hearing stories like yours, thank you
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“What do you do when you still don’t know what you want to do?”
Ah, I feel for you, my friend *sigh*
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Hmm. I wonder if many of us go through this who wanted to have children at one time. Not everyone has the luxury of having another income besides their own, and I was blessed to have my husband’s. We had moved to Florida because we wanted to be able to live on one income if we had kids, and we couldn’t afford only one income where we lived near Chicago. I worked after we moved because we didn’t have kids yet. But then, while we were still trying to conceive (in my 30’s), I didn’t want to work at what I was doing anymore. I quit. I tried my hand at a few things that were far from what I was doing, but nothing clicked. I’d always wanted to be a writer but didn’t have enough confidence in myself. Finally, I decided to stay home and write (age 40). I’ve been doing it ever since, and I’m not sorry.
I wish I could help you with a direction. Mine was a lot more complicated than just that one long paragraph. I had been digging deep into spirituality then, and read …. a LOT of self-help books. I also got counseling, but my counselor helped me talk things out. I think people need to find the right “click” with a counselor.
Don’t let people fool you into thinking you have to have some grand career because otherwise you are not reaching your womanhood potential. I take care of the household around my writing. I love it, and I’m not ashamed to have dinner on the table for my husband when he gets home. I also found that I love to cook. I mean, in today’s society, women are expected to not only have children, but also a career. I say, we need to follow what works for us, not what society says is supposed to work for us.
Sorry this is so long. I thought I’d share to tell the story that I eventually found my niche and you will, too. Good luck and many blessings.
P.S. We recently moved back to Chicago after 25 years in Florida.
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Thank you so much Lori, I loved reading that. Hearing that you quit your job to write is amazing. It’s funny you mention the self-help books: I’m pretty sure I need to do some serious reading around this, rather than waiting for my direction to hit me out of the blue. Ha I also put the dinner on the table every night, as I’m the one home first (I’d also be waiting all night if I didn’t do it) and I like to cook – I do get something out of looking after my hub by feeding him (also not ashamed of that!). I think everyone needs someone to look after to a certain extent. Thanks for writing, I found it helpful and inspirational
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Whew. Glad I didn’t go on too much for you. You’re absolutely right, I think we need to use our natural instinct to nurture, as you say, to some extent. I think feminism has made it somehow a “low-minded” or “uneducated” thing to want. BTW, my hub would cook if I didn’t, but who wants THAT mess to clean up. 😉
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Part of my appreciation now for not having kids is that we don’t really bicker or have those resentments that can fester between parents, so I’m happy to do nice stuff for him… silver linings and all that 🙂
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I tried to comment twice, but it looks like there’s something wrong 😦
I wanted to tell you that I feel for you about the “what to do in the future” part *sigh*
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Ah thanks Sara! I think I’ve now approved it twice…
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Oh sorry if I commented twice, then
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No probs!
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OMG, same here, same here! I feel like I’m going crazy now, in my mid-40s, still trying to figure out what I want to ‘do’ with my life, especially now that I won’t be having children. I’ve just stumbled from one job to another, without any direction or idea of what I was doing. All I ever ‘knew’ I wanted to do was to have children. Ugh. I have been grieving over the past few years but time is marching along and I know I need to figure it out or things are just going to get harder and harder. Thanks for sharing; sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who doesn’t have things all figured out!!
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Hi M2L, you don’t know how much better it makes me feel to know I’m not alone! Here’s hoping we will have that elusive brainwave…
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Hi Wendy! What do you mean you saw a counselor? Did you see a psychiatrist? Lately I was thinking of going to see one. I’ve been feeling really lonely over the past few months, I don’t understand why, one reason of course is this childlessness thing, but I thought I was doing okay with it now. I told my husband about it, he said that we needed to go out sometimes. Not sure if he understands me. I have been feeling like a robot going on about my day, I don’t really feel like I have a life anymore, and I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. But now I can still manage to calm and cheer up myself, but it still gets really low. I hope I will get over this with as soon as possible.
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Hi Claire, I saw a psychotherapist who was supposed to be specialised in cognitive behavioural therapy but she was terrible. My main reason for going to her was to work out whether I wanted to pursue infertility treatment or whether I should just accept a childfree life. On top of that I had a really unsatisfying but comfortable career and I was lying awake at night spiralling and panicking about the future. I also felt like a robot, I know what you mean. I didn’t look forward to things. The therapist didn’t help at all, but reading books such as Pamela Mahoney Tsigdinos’s and going on childfree/childless websites helped me a lot. I found that the only thing that stopped me feeling despondent was time – after a few years the feelings of desperation just passed. Now I really just want to use my time well and do something interesting rather than rot away at a desk day after day; I want to do something creative and satisfying… I hope you feel better soon Claire keep in touch x
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My elastic band keeps breaking. Bloody typical. The world will not listen.
I share some of your perpetual agony, DS. I’m coming round to not being intimidated by the drastic moves of others around me, but trying to piece together what I can live with, and what can’t put up with. Striving for consensus in a democracy of one. I mean, I’d be a totally useless dictator.
Keeping thinking, and sharing what’s hatched 🙂
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I like that, “trying to piece together what I can live with, and what I can’t put up with”. That’s the balance I want in life.
I know I won’t be able to get paid to do what I love (still have to work out what that is..agh), but if what I do every day is bearable and averagely enjoyable, and I can do the good stuff around it, then that’s about the height of my ambition. If I have a lightbulb moment I’ll give you a shout!
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Just out of curiosity, are there other roles within the organisation you work that you would consider eyeing up? I hear that sideways move with the devil you know popping up as a possibility for some folk. Although, I’ve never been convinced by the devil ya know being the best one. The best one I know is meself. I think.
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Hello Dept it’s a large public sector organisation so roles do come up. That makes it sound good, but I’m burnt out with the sluggish, badly-managed environment and getting a new role often depends on how much your current role matches the new one… so, more of the same.
There’s no pleasing me…
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Yep, know that one.
I want to be Sharon Horgan’s wardrobe minder.
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Oh, that’s a tough one. I think you’ve gotten some great advice and reads above. I firmly believe it is never too late to change what you do, to bring about an evolution. It’s scary though when people say things like “stable pensionable job” and make the risk seem not worth the possibilities. I am a big t-chart person. It is such a rudimentary organizer, but any time I have to make a big decision, or Bryce, or both of us together, we T-chart the crap out of it. I love my job but didn’t discover it until I was facing the end of my marriage without children, with no idea that I had a ridiculous infertility journey ahead of me. However, Bryce made a big change a couple years ago and he read a bunch of books like “What Color is Your Parachute?” and “Do What You Are” which is based on personality type, but ultimately took a plunge to leave his very stable job that he’d spent his whole career in but was now miserable and overworked and devoid of inspiration…and joined a start up. It was a huge risk, and the startup was in optic technology versus the acoustic he’d been entrenched in, but it did work out. The risk was worth it.
I don’t know if this is helpful at all, but I think some exploration of what you would like to do, what enjoy doing in your free time or are interested in, what kind of work environment you think you’d thrive in, and then weigh out all the options to see what’s out there and what level of risk you can assume for the benefit of your happiness. I also know people who work a job they’re not thrilled with but they do it for the stability and then they do volunteer stuff or get involved in other things that bring that joy to them.
I get that pressure that if you don’t have kids you have this feeling of “I need to be Oprah” or something like that. I get real annoyed when people (the few who don’t know all the things about my journey, ha ha) say, “Oh you’re a teacher! That must fulfill your need, your students are your kids!” Um, that has nothing to do with anything. But there is this feeling that as a woman you are supposed to nurture the crap out of something, if not a child then some kind of noble thing. I think we are just supposed to do what makes us happy, whatever that turns out to be, and live the best life we can figure out for ourselves. That is what I wish for you. I hope you get the information and inspiration you need.
Whoa, sorry for the novel. This is how I leave voicemails, too… 🙂
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Hi Jess thanks I love your novels! I find it really inspirational to hear stories about people leaving their careers when they’re burnt out. I wish I wasn’t so risk-averse. I’m not sure what a T-chart is but will google. I’m a huge fan of pros and cons lists and working things out through diagrams (it’s how we decided not to pursue having kids thru ART). I would hope no one presumes I need kids in my life in order to fulfil some kind of desperation to nurture. I agree that we should just do what makes us the happiest and people can get that from being creative or being an expert in something they love. I also now believe that having a dog can do the trick, too. I tried “What Colour Is Your Parachute” and didn’t really get on with it although a friend of mine loves it (she gave it to me). I’m definitely on the lookout for more books of that type though.
Thanks so much Jess every reply here makes me feel so much better
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It’s a tough spot to be in. No sage advice to give, but abiding here with you. I used to look at things like job stability and a guaranteed pension as something to strive for. But after infertility I’m much more open to thinking outside of the box. It’s so hard when you feel like your spinning your wheels. I get it though. How long do you have before you can retire and start drawing your pension?
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Hi BnB, I’d have to wait until at least 65/70 to have a decent pension from this job as I’ve only been with the institution since my late 30s…
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Eek! I’m still trying to figure out what I’ll ‘do’. Being an adult is hard work, who knew?
I’ve tried the career path that didn’t work out so I tried lots of temping jobs which gave me a huge confidence boost to end up working within a factory environment doing shifts (unsociable hours) which worked for me until I learned there would be no kid, ever.
So that gave me the kick up the (rather ample) arse to go seek new pastures and I moved from factory environment to corporate. Huge change, was necessary, very glad I did it.
Now my job is in jeopardy partially thanks to bloody Brexit and other factors so, even though I’m not particularly liking it where I work at the moment it’s a regular income with regular hours. As I like to play as hard as I work I’m coasting along putting up with things at the moment. Financial constraints (those ugly words!) mean I can’t afford to not work. But I could potentially take a wage cut and work closer to home so less commute time… not sure if these are things you need to consider?
I’m in my late forties and still haven’t grown up…!
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Hi Bamber great to hear from you. It’s inspiring to hear that people can make huge changes post-40. I think it’s more common than I even imagined for people in their 40s to still not know what they want to do when they grow up…thank you so much
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I don’t have any answers for you unfortunately. I get that sleepwalking through life feeling too sometimes. My job is ok, don’t love it, don’t hate it. But it has good security and other benefits that I’m nervous to risk for the unknown. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have gone for a different career. My impression is that most people don’t love their jobs and just live for the weekends and holidays. So you could either try to do more with the time you aren’t working, taking up a new hobby, or making more time for the things you enjoy, or decide to take a great leap of faith and train in something new! Best of luck for whatever you decide
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I agree with that, Dubliner: more and more people I speak to are disillusioned with their jobs these days
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This resonates deeply with me. My job is secure, pays well and has excellent benefits and a pension – all great things, right? It’s flexible, manageable and I have a lot of free reign. I am blessed with this job in a town with very few like it…so I should be settling in for the long haul until I retire on a very comfortable pension – except…it sucks the very life from me. The only thing getting me through is that if we end up being able to conceive, I can stay home to be an at home Mom. If conception doesn’t work out, I am going to be in your shoes something awful. I don’t know where you work, but for me it’s the corporate life – always striving for more, the bar getting higher and higher, never being good enough…it’s exhausting.
I wish I had advice for you but I don’t. I am wishing you luck, and recommending you do some soul searching and some pros and cons to see what makes the most fiscal, logical and emotional sense.
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Thanks so much for that Raven. This seems to be a common problem. I’m currently re-racking my brains and I’m determined something will come up
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Shores! It’s so good to read a post from you. I’ve missed you! 🙂
As you know, I’ve gone back to school. Having kids didn’t work out for me and I didn’t want to return to my previous career. I don’t need A Big Thing since I can’t have kids (no ambitious Oprah career for me); I just wanted to not hate my life every morning when I woke up. I strongly believe it’s never too late to change careers. I’m the oldest woman in my class, but the class above me has women 15 years older than me.
I am very risk-averse as well. I read articles about careers with expected job growth. Most of them sounded boring to me, but there were a couple that sounded interesting. I checked out professional books from the library to get an idea of what different professions’ literature looked like. I watched informative videos on youtube to learn more about the different careers I was investigating. There’s also something called the Meyers Briggs Type Indicator, which is a tool that can help you understand your personality type better. There are books that suggest different careers according to Meyers Briggs personality type, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Or if your job is good enough, doesn’t eat away at your soul, and you are left with energy at the end of the day and on your days off, maybe you can use your time outside of your job to do meaningful, fulfilling things. I’ve always liked the quote from Gandhi: “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” By going into a healthcare profession, I feel like I am combining my career with serving others. School sucks, but I am excited about my future jobs. I don’t have time for hobbies right now, but I look forward to getting back into it all in a couple of years (making bracelets, cross stitching, cooking, etc.).
I was in such a slump for so long. It took me a long to find the energy to investigate a new path, much less take the action that the new path required. I had to be patient with myself and just keep looking, reading, and putting one foot in front of the other.
Also, moving was so good for me. I moved to a much better part of town to a much smaller house and it really did change everything for me. I am so much happier where I live now, even though I plan to move again (out of state) in just a year.
So there’s a long, rambling comment from me… I hope I’ve said something helpful!! If not, just ignore. 🙂 Just know that you are not alone in what you are thinking and feeling. ❤ Also, I really like your pictures on this post!
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Phoenix hi, thank you! I’ve had a slump re my work/house situation and not been on here for a while. I’m thinking I need to study and retrain. I’d kind of dread the classes, the study and the exams/presentations etc but maybe it’s what’s needed. Funny, I was just musing on that before I read your comment. I also need to move house to a better part of town! You’ve given me stuff to think about. I don’t want to do anything ambitious or high-earning just something I get a buzz from sometimes. Something healthcare related would suit me too I think. Thanks so much for your commenting it’s definitely helpful x
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Hi Different Shores,
I tried to write a comment, but then it just got too long (and too personal, too). So I’m going to send you an email instead ;-).
Have a good evening,
Elaine
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Thanks Elaine!
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Good for EcoFeminist! It irked me too when you said that a life coach told you to think long and hard about leaving a job with “security”. I’ve always been big on taking a small step in a positive direction. Anything you might like. Anything you’ve been meaning to try. Whatever it is. It doesn’t have to make sense at all right now as a career move. It could be needlepoint. It could be judo. I have always found that anything positive is like an offering of openness. Once your mind opens and you back it up with an action- physically heading in any positive direction– these things have a way of leading to something that leads to something that leads to something. I try not to be too concerned about making a “wrong” decision. I just try to keep my senses open to options that come my way. As for the age thing… ahhh… I read a government report the other day that said that my kids (age 10) have a 50% chance of living to 104. So, okay, I know I wasn’t born when they were… but maybe you and I are barely middle age & have a whole ‘nother half of life yet to live. It’s worth starting over or moving towards new worlds. Who wants to look back at 85 and say: “I thought I was too old then, but I should have done “it” at 50.”? xo
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Ha thank you, you are so right!
And I agree that just doing something opens things up and has positive benefits
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You NOT rotten my dear!!!!
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LOL thanks!
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This is tough. As you may or may not know, I lost my job in July 2014 after 28 years, not only with the same company but the same department… talk about inertia, eh? :p I did love my job for many years, worked with the same small group of women for a good 15 years — but then one by one they retired & things started to change, dramatically. I had a good reputation in the department and in the company at large, but it got so that there were very few people left who knew my work & what I was capable of, and I was being passed over for assignments, etc., in favour of coworkers who were younger and more energetic (and perhaps less cynical…!), if not more experienced. By the time I was shown the door, I’ll admit, it wasn’t fun anymore, but I was hoping to hang on until I turned 55 & take early retirement. As luck would have it, my severance package lasted just long enough for me to officially retire right after my 55th birthday. Obviously, I would have received a larger pension if I’d worked longer, but I didn’t have the choice and I feel very fortunate that things worked out the way they did. In retrospect, I probably should have gone looking for another job long before I lost mine, even within the same company, but inertia & hope that things will get better are a powerful combination. All I can say is the longer you wait to make changes (any changes!), the more difficult it’s going to be. (((Hugs))) & good luck!!
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Thanks for that Loribeth. It’s comforting to know that people understand how this inertia feels and that it’s not only me. I panic about time passing but just can’t drum up enthusiasm about jobs that are similar to mine (i.e. the ones I’m most likely to be offered!) so the easiest (laziest) option is to stay. I’d love to do something completely different, but don’t know what….. Talking about it is helping though: since I wrote this and have read people’s comments, I can feel my mind opening up to getting out of here and moving on. Thanks so much for writing here
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I’m a bit late to the comments, and I’ve come back several times to re-read this entry..
I’m still trying to work out what I want to do.
Work for me was just something that paid the bills. It was a large multinational company, good benefits/conditions etc but it was never a passion. Then childlessness parked itself in our lives and work became a bigger burden to get through each week. Complicating it was the worldwide restructures and redundancies going on every year in different departments of the company. With 20 years of service, I wasn’t going to walk away from that easily.
Redundancy came, and a payout too, which enabled a year or five (and still counting) out of the workforce. We manage on one wage adequately, and if I enter the workforce again, I’ll need to retrain in something…. I’ve always struggled to find a career to be passionate about, so I still have no idea what I’d do.
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Hi there, thanks for that, you have voiced what I feel – I also need to retrain, but I have no idea in what… I can’t settle on anything, however hard I try…
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God, this is exactly where I find myself. I’m starting a childfree life after 6 years of infertility and I really want a new career…but have no idea what I want to do! I feel trapped. It’s hard enough to go through the grief of infertility — wish we weren’t also struggling with career dissatisfaction! I wish the answer would just fall from the sky. Sigh.
It’s funny you mentioned Catastrophe. I also love that show but when she was complaining about her old eggs, I gave her the finger, said “you have two kids!” and turned the TV off. Haha. I know it’s a fictional character but I just couldn’t take it that day. I finished the episode another day.
Thanks for sharing your journey. I look forward to reading more of your posts. My husband and I are interested in stories of others that have journeyed from infertility to childfree as we are just starting this transition. We’re talking about it on our new podcast as well. It’s called “How Did We Get Here? with E & M” — Glad someone on twitter recommended your blog!
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Sorry I’m late replying to this, I was away for two weeks. Thanks so much for your comment – I also feel like giving the finger to mothers who say things like that…. Every time. I’ll deffo check out your podcast
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I just love this one. I’m feeling quite lost myself lately. I struggle with the path I’ve chosen often enough. You embrace your journey and inspire others. Pass that damn rubber band!
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I’m having a real struggle again with work right now… I need an almighty kick up the arse
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Maybe you just need some fun. It sounds like your work environment isn’t the greatest. Good thing you’ve got a wry sense of humor and the willingness to share it with the world!
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