I’m really happy with my life as a family of two: there’s no void to be filled, nothing is required to make it more “complete”. I appreciate that we are probably closer because we don’t have small children, and the peace and quiet is nice: there are no tumbleweeds blowing through our home.
As ever, the only things that occasionally give me the heebie-jeebies are comments that parents make. It seems that every time you read an article about someone’s partner dying, or an individual going through some kind of catastrophe, you will inevitably arrive at a variation of the fatal line “if it wasn’t for my children I wouldn’t be here today”.
Now Carol Vorderman has opened up about her terrible menopausal depression, and here is the headline:
“Star reveals her children saved her when she ‘couldn’t see the point of life'”
The main quote in the interview is this:
The only reason I didn’t do anything is because I have two children.
What she’s saying, in her mincey way, is that she would have tried to commit suicide if she didn’t have kids.
I hate reading these statements. They make me feel as if I’d have absolutely nothing to live for if I were in the same boat, or if my partner died.
But reality tells a different story, of course. Most non-parents find the resilience and the resources to keep going when their partners die or when depression hits – and so would these parents if they had never had their children. Children can force you to be strong in the worst phase of grief, but it’s horrible to think that there’s no hope if you don’t have them.
The pseudonymous widower Adam Golightly in his recent Guardian piece How to Survive the Death of a Loved One says:
If you are lucky enough to have children, they will pull you along in the early days.
I love his columns but the wording here slapped me in the face. (Are we The Unlucky, then?)
So is it that much worse for people without children to lose a partner? It seems to me that you rarely hear from them, just as you rarely hear from parents who’ve lost their only child. Or people who’ve been through infertility and ended up without kids. I’m not sure why.
But if you read most of the interviews with widowed parents out there or listened to the likes of Carol Vorderman, you’d be forgiven for thinking all the depressed and grieving non-parents had killed themselves.
I know it’s probably just a thing that parents come out with because they genuinely feel that it’s true, but honestly, I wish I could unread the many times I’ve read it: it gives me the cold sweats.
Am I the only one?
You are definitely not alone. I think people who make those statements genuinely feel that way. They really do feel like if they didn’t have children they could not have gone on. But, because they DO have children they’ll never know what would’ve happened if they didn’t.
I do think there is a certain level of pity for the widowed child free. Again, those dishing out the pity can’t imagine how they would have coped with the death of of a spouse without those children. They seem to think “It was so horrible to go through with my children at my side, how on earth will they do it with no one?”
This is a topic that I do think about a lot because my husband is significantly older than me … at least, I think 8 years is significant. If all goes according to chronology he will pre-decease me and possibly by a lot of years. That’s why even now, in my twenties, I really try to foster friendships and hobbies. So that I have a support network and I have things to occupy my time once he is no longer with me. Also, cats. There will be lots of cats…
I have witnessed child free people who did not handle the death of a spouse well. One member of my family was married to someone 17 years older. When the older spouse died it almost seemed like this family member had never considered that they could be widowed when they were still quite young. They definitely felt very lonely and I believe they, at least for awhile, regretted their decision to not have children. However, it’s now been several years since the older spouse passed and they have adjusted and are doing very well. So, there’s living proof that child free widows/widowers can go on and don’t just give up and commit suicide.
So no, you are not alone in feeling this way about these somewhat-thoughtless-and-ignorant-but-also-coming-from-a-place-of-attempted-sympathy comments.
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Thanks so much for a great comment. I agree that there definitely seems to be a certain level of pity out there for people without kids who are widowed. Interesting to know whether it’s based on perceptions in people’s heads or whether it’s justified.
It’s good to hear firsthand that people do adjust. Thanks again
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Funkysquishydonut I’ve lost your site – will you send me a link to it, or has your blog gone now?
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You’re not the only one. It wasn’t until recently that these kinds of sentiments became off-putting to me. I also feel when parents say things like that, they’re placing an unfair burden on their children. They are essentially saying “I hold you responsible for keeping me alive.” That’s just not right.
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That’s true – I hadn’t thought of that
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So my theory on this is that the general public likes to read a tragic story with a ‘relatable silver lining’. Something that makes them not have to just think ‘well life is hard and unpredictable and fleeting’ but rather ‘in this hard life we can always find the good or the happy bits’. They like to cling to those stories that make them feel like a tragedy is a bit more manageable. So I think stories with an obvious ‘silver lining’ that is understand by many makes it to print more often than one without one or simply one that can’t be as easily articulated or as trite as ‘my kids made it all worth it etc’.
I don’t think those with kids survive a loss any better, just differently. Everyone finds comfort and value and fulfillment in different places and someone’s ‘my kids saved me’ could be another persons ‘my friends or my work or my rose garden or my novel I am writing’ saved me.
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Thank you Mamajo – I’m loving the perspectives I’m getting on this!
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A good friend lost her father to suicide. That comment also now makes it seem like she was not enough to keep her father alive. That is a lot of pressure to put on a child or anyone.
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So true – that’s the other side of the coin. It must hurt beyond belief for people in that situation to hear it
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I love reading your witty thoughts.
No, you definitely aren’t the only one. I also wish to un-hear or un-read the silly comments.
One of the worst question in our part of the world is this one.
Whenever there is news that a person my age had died everybody asks: “Did he/she have children?”.
When the reply is “No”. … then the usual comment is: “That’s good.”
Obviously I understand it is a tragedy if a young child looses a parent. But still…. if one of us, childless people dies…. it is good???
***
Another thought:
A lot of time parents comment that without having children their life would be meaningless. OK… so they have children. And their children will have children (otherwise their life would be meaningless as well). So this basically means that people accept meaninglessness of living and they correct this by having children.
I don’t have children. But I refuse the idea that my living is meaningless.
Sorry for leaving such a long comment. I felt like writing today 🙂
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Klara I hear the first one very often here, lots of time to my face… I understand where it comes from but it does always feel offensive…The second one too crops up a lot especially in articles and interviews: also something I have to learn to ignore…
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My husband and I have gotten a lot of comments to the effect of “Why did you bother to get married if you’re not going to have children? What’s the point?” Those comments are super hurtful. It’s almost like we don’t deserve the emotional commitment of marriage if children aren’t in the picture. Or that our marriage is going to be empty and meaningless if children aren’t in it. I understand that it’s still a societal norm for married couples to have children but sheesh, just because we don’t want that doesn’t mean we lead a sad empty existence.
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I suppose people are so ingrained with convention and conservatism, but really that’s just rude
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I’m so glad you addressed this because I have cringed when I hear such sentiments, but I haven’t stopped long enough to articulate to myself why they bother me. You have expressed it very well here.
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Thank you!
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The statistics actually do show that having children is a protective factor against suicide. Perhaps in many cases it’s a sense of obligation that prevents mothers from acting on their suicidal impulses, no matter how bad they feel? And we know that most depressive episodes pass after two years whether or not treatment is received and so simply hanging in there and allowing time to pass would help a suicidal and depressed mom to ‘recover’.
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To clarify… protective only for mothers interestingly and not father’s… wonder what that’s about?
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Hi, thanks I didn’t know that – interesting stats. I must have a read of the studies
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You may find articles under protective/ risk factors for suicide. Statistics aside though, I do think that people create their own meaning in life… what might give one person hope and optimism for the future will no doubt be different for someone else. I’m not sure it’s useful to create dichotomies… ie. If children give mothers hope then de facto it means childless women have no hope… this is too simplistic and creates a very black and white scenario where multiple meanings are not allowed.
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That’s very true – I love the sense I get from people’s comments: thank you very much, it irons things out for me
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I saw this interview and I CRINGED when CV made that comment. It seems such an unfair burden is placed on kids. I cannot assume that if I had kids that they would be there for me in times of difficulty. They might. but they might not be able to for any reason, or they may not want to and be there out of duty and resent me. At least without kids, I am no burden to any one. Yes, I have been depressed and had difficulties and guess what, I have survived!
Cake x
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CV obviously thinks she was helping other women by opening up about it but it bugs me that she would think a statement like that is universally helpful – it’s excluding lots of women out there
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All I keep thinking of is the fact that my mother lost her husband of 35 years and was still a complete asshole to me. While I reached out to her, she was just fine on her own hand within three months had found herself a new boyfriend, and had no interest in our IVF treatments we were going through nor being there for me during my miscarriage. Also offends me that people refer to their children as if there’s some kind of crutch to be used in their own grief, rather than going out there and getting help. I grew up with a father who rather than get help seemed to prefer to share all of his anxieties with me, inadvertently putting me into a caretaker role at a very young age because I thought if I could make him feel better that would make me a good kid.
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You’re so right, thank you. A similar thing happened with my parents. Sometimes the reality is staring me in the face but I still need it spelling out…
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You’re so not alone. I seem to read so many articles where people reference they kept going because of their children (or to that affect). Perhaps it’s the US mothers day or even the UK mothers day (or i’m uber sensitive). God even a trivial site that i follow on Facebook posted pictures of Disney princesses with babies and the tag line basicially implied that we are not worthy without children – i found myself leaving a comment (very unlike me on facebook) – i’m so sick of it at the moment.
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I actually do think baby-worship/mothering fetishising in the media is reaching new heights
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I agree, it does seem to be everywhere, I try not to go on Facebook much but honestly I seemed to have to unfollow so many people because of the sheer volume of pictures / statues that get posted about their children. It’s all a bit much that once some women have a child it goes onto define them (or that’s how it comes across).
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I have so many people on Facebook on ‘hide’ because of this
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Ug. Yes. I hate this sentiment. I love this post.
Your posts and your readers’ comments always make me feel better. 😀
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Me too Phoenix the comments are fab
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Thank you so much for this post. I am sick to the back teeth of hearing how my life isn’t as valid as the next persons because I don’t have kids to plug an emotional gap and that I must be less of a person somehow because, amazingly, I have found coping strategies when tragic life stuff occurs. Yes, I still have my husband and I am very grateful I do, because for those of us who have lost babies or been through infertility treatment, I think we’re only too aware of how precious life is and how you have to grasp your nuggets of happiness wherever you find them.
I’d be interested to know what the children of bereaved parents think? Looking back at my own experience, I was 11 when my father died. At the time, I was worried sick about my mother as she wasn’t coping well with the loss of my father. From a childs perspective, it was a very scary time as we’d been plunged into the unknown abyss of the finality of a permanent disappearance of a parent. There were practical things that weren’t being attended to in the immediate aftermath of my fathers passing – things like no regular sort of food shopping, bills left unpaid, no school for a few weeks for me… my mothers siblings came over from Ireland and offered practical as well as emotional and peer support which is just what she needed – not something 2 teenage boys or an 11 year old child could provide – I too was grateful for my aunt and uncle’s presence, they kept an even keel in the household when all else had gone pear shaped.
How can these adults say their kids kept them going? When kids have their own wants and needs and are upset by the bereavement? Surely having children to tend to when a parent dies and managing their grief as well as your own has to be such a complex and difficult time?
I think celebs (like most parents) tend to gloss over these things and sugar coat the crap. Life is life – and death is a part of life. We all have to face it at some point and we all find our own coping strategies. To marginalise those of us without children and inferring we wouldn’t manage after a major bereavement is condescending in the very least.
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Bamber thanks your comment is brilliant. You were so young when your dad died, and your experience highlights the reality. It must’ve been traumatic. I was 18 when my mum died and almost within days my father went on a mission to meet a new woman at singles clubs. His rationale was that we were adults and didn’t need him. He found no comfort in having us and over twenty years later we are more or less estranged. Thrashing this topic out has made me understand it a lot better: thanks so much for your input
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That must have been excruciating for you and difficult on so many levels… my friend had a similar experience when her mum passed away and her father began dating and discussing this with her. She wasn’t ready to hear it so it caused her great pain.
No wonder you don’t bother with your father. He sounds toxic and you certainly don’t deserve that in your life.
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Same with my dad: my sis got the brunt of that, right down to suspected STDs. Grim
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Different Shores, I think you could replace “children” by many other people. Of course children are important to their parents. But I know more than one father who committed suicide, so having kids didn’t help in their case.
I went through a difficult time in my own life when my truth was “If it wasn’t for my parents…”, and I think the same could easily apply to my husband or even some of my closest friends. So maybe it’s just because people have kids that they say these things. They might say something different (like me) if they didn’t have kids. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all?
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That makes absolute sense Elaine, thank you. I love these insights, I’m so grateful for them
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I think I read it in a different way. I take it to mean that is what that particular person found to get them through their difficult life situation. Someone else (even someone with children) may say their faith got them through (I hear that one A LOT). I’ve heard plenty of people say that Jesus gave them a reason to live. But… as someone who is not Christian, I’ve always taken that to be their way of getting through the situation. It doesn’t have to be mine but it’s cool if it works for them. Does that make sense?
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Total sense. I was seeing it in a very black-and-white way. Thank you
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When we lose a loved one, any loved one (which includes four-leggeds), we always grieve. There is no way around it. We grieve the loss because we love and are loved. I think no matter which loved one is lost, at some point in the grieving process we wonder if we will be able to go on, kids or not. It’s sort of like you said, kids just give people someone else to be strong for, so they use that as their reason to go forward.
My infertility took me on a personal inner journey. Perhaps grief is meant to do the same. What can we learn from the grieving process of losing a loved one, and what is it someone should learn about themselves if suicide is their only answer without children?
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“What is it someone should learn about themselves if suicide is their only answer without children?” – very good point
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You are so not alone. As a matter of fact, I feel a rant coming on…….My best childhood friend was unexpectedly widowed almost 6 years ago at the age of 39. She and her husband did not have children together but had talked about pursuing a few possibilities. She did not expect to loose motherhood to death, that’s for sure. Needless to say she found herself part of the minority as an early 40 something childless widow, needing support from those who had been through similar but yet drowning in “I’m getting through this for my children” comments from her widowed community. Those comments made her feel like crap. She was once in a support group meeting of about 20 people where the two other members without children didn’t show up. She was about to describe it to me when I said “Let me guess, they talked about ‘getting through it for their children’ the whole time and not a single person reached out to you and asked you about YOUR experience.” Well, bingo. The funny thing is, if people perceive needing children so badly to survive, why is there then no compassion when someone is going through a life altering trauma without them? When people would find out about the death of her husband they would ask (her, me or whomever was delivering the news) if they had kids. In response to ‘no’, people would inevitably reply “Well, that’s good, at least they don’t have kids” as if that somehow lessened the impact of the loss somehow. Seriously. What a double standard.
Rant over. And thanks for reminding me, I’m recovering from a nervous system disorder and meant to joke about “getting through this for my children”. I’ll be getting on that…..
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Oh god I really feel for your friend – that’s awful. I can only imagine how isolating and unhelpful that experience was. I hope she found her people eventually…
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Thanks, she did:-). The widow community has ended up serving her well in many ways. The aforementioned was a tough experience as on one level she really needed to be around people who shared the experience of widowhood, but on the other hand found many of those who had children did not empathize with her loss of parenthood. She’s had many of the same stereotypes placed on her that we’ve had placed on us – the notion that the experience of being childless is somehow “easier” than that of being a parent, that her life reeks of freedom and that dating is somehow easier because she doesn’t have children.
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As a husband and parent myself, my son (and eventual second child) won’t be my only reason for living. People have a convoluted sense of having someone else to live for and that should not be the main reason. It’s important to want to be there for your spouse/significant other and children, but they can’t be the main reason. That’s too much pressure.
You should carry on because you are doing it for yourself first and foremost. If something happened to me in the future, I would want my wife and children to find a way to be happy with themselves and the life they would be leading.
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Thank you – definitely agree it’s a lot of pressure…
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I’ve heard the “I don’t know what I’d do without my children” comment too: most memorably from my mom, after my dad died (her husband of 48 years). And I have no doubt she is being honest: she can’t imagine what she would do. She can barely imagine what to do some days as is. Still, she is reaching out and finding supports outside of her children, and I think that’s important,even though we try to always be there for her. So “I don’t know what I’d do” turns into “doing something,” somehow. Not that it’s easy or fair.
On the other hand, there’s my dads sister, my aunt (still living). Her only son died in a car accident at age 19 and her husband died quite a few years later. She was profoundly scarred by those events, no doubt about it. Not to mention the traumatic war and poverty she experienced as a child. But she is very socially connected with people of all ages and is in charge of her life. She did not give up because she lost her partner and child. It is human and natural to put ones child at the centre of one life. But if there is no child,for whatever reason, people can still find a centre and be a source of strength to others not only themselves.
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Your aunt sounds inspirational, Torthuil, I wish I had a role model like that sometimes. I agree that it’s human nature to put your kids at the centre of your life, which doesn’t mean that if you don’t have them you have a void – just a different life
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I think these types of messages that we so often hear are a part of the reason people going through infertility are terrified to consider stopping treatments and living without children. There are so many fears instilled in us about childlessness throughout our upbringing. — “I didn’t know love until I became a mother” “My children are the reason I kept going” “my greatest accomplishment is my children” — and on and on….
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So true – it’s very hard not to be affected by these statements, and they are everywhere
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I am partially agree with your concept because couples who do not have children can feel more free and spend much time together. But in the long run, we all need a family and for that, we have to try to build up our own family with our children and next generation.
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Hi Seema, thanks for the comment. I should point out that the childfree/childless state of many readers of this blog is involuntary and came about following infertility, baby loss and adoption difficulties. So whilst ‘we all need a family’, some of us have not been lucky in that regard and are trying to make the best of it.
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