One of those rare articles about struggling to conceive that doesn’t end in a baby (or two), here is a recent piece from the Guardian in which Sally-Ann Rowland describes coming to terms with life after infertility and miscarriage.
I found it uplifting that she was able to change her outlook towards the usual benchmarks of ‘success’ in our culture – her experience has allowed her to see life as ‘less of a string of acquisitions (husband, children, real estate, career accolades, objects)’ and find contentment and satisfaction in what she has.
I learnt to live without getting what I wanted. I am so grateful for that.
The comments are the usual mixed-bag of Guardian readers competing to be the most insensitive/smug/crankily Malthusian, along with some heartfelt ones.
The one I like best just says:
‘Well done for writing this’.
First I cried when reading it and then I got pissed reading the comments, especially the prick who claims to be the expert on this woman’s situation simply because they went through IVF – successfully – and because he’s a therapist. While my husband has experienced our journey through infertility, his will never EVER compare to mine or any woman’s, because our culture does not tell men they are incomplete if they have not “done what their body was made to do”. While I’m not surprised, I’ll never cease to be amazed at men telling women how they should feel.
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Hi Ecofem, some of the comments are abysmal, but I never fail to read all of them and get violently irritated by the pricks! Some real tools on this one…
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Yeah, you’re better off skipping the comments, unless you like to torture yourself. I have found that out the hard way. =/
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Me too; I can never resist…
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It’s too bad trying to have a child cost her her realationship, but at least she found happiness in the end. I think it’s important for anyone dealing with infertility to read the stories that don’t end in a baby, because it makes you consider different possible outcomes and how ones attitudes and decisions might contribute to them.
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Very true
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It’s so important to share these kind of stories. Each one I read becomes less and less painful as I become accustomed to the options. I still hope and am still actively trying to conceive – but these stories (yours included) have REALLY helped me to come to terms with the alternative should I not be successful in achieving Motherhood. While I know I will still grieve immensely – I like to think all this early work I have done getting familiar with a life without children will help ease the adjustment on some level…should I find myself facing one.
Thank you for sharing this, and everything!
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Thank you Raven for a lovely comment; excuse the delay replying, I have been off-grid!
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Oh, I like this article! Well, I like the author’s attitude at the end of the article anyway. Thanks for sharing!!
I didn’t even read any of the article’s comments. I just came straight back to your blog. I’d rather spend my time reading your blog because you and your readers always have good and interesting things to say! 😀
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Ah thanks Phoenix! Some of the comments under the article are awful: this subject always attracts such anger…
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I literally just read this article before reading your blog!! I thought it was incredible. (I didn’t read the comments though! 🤷♀️🙈)
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Belated thanks for stopping by!
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This article is a gem. The author is brutually honest and unapologic. It’s lovely how she ties all of this together, showing how she has come out of infertility on the other side and is living life to the fullest.
I couldn’t look at the comments section. Too many fools who think they understand a secret truth that the author entirely is missing. The truth is she’s enlightened and very wise.
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Hi Cristy, I loved her brutal honesty too: I thought she was brave and open. I wonder if she reads the comments herself….
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Everyone always says never read the comments, but I always do, wish I hadn’t, roll my eyes and turn away. lol
One of the great gifts of this to me has also been able to focus on what’s important, on what I have now, and to accept that I didn’t get what I want, and that’s life. Some people never learn this lesson.
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Hi Mali, I always read the comments too… I think I must get a perverse enjoyment out of them
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I love this: “I learnt to live without getting what I wanted. I am so grateful for that.” What a great, difficult, necessary message. Going to go read the whole thing, but skip the comments because people are a-holes. Thanks for sharing!
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Hello Jess – a-holes is spot on!
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“I learnt to live without getting what I wanted. I am so grateful for that.”
These are my sentiments exactly.
And the comments? Oh dear, they’re always dangerous. But yes, I love the one you picked. Thanks for pointing me to this article.
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Hello Mali, belated greetings and thanks for commenting; I’ve been away in the wilds sans WiFi or would have replied earlier!
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Love the article! Some words really resonated with me: “my life became the menstrual cycle” or “After coming out the other end of attempted reproduction I can say that not having children has been the most profound experience in my own life. The soul-crushing pain of it all has placed me on the other side of a river where I can see life as less of a string of acquisitions and find contentment and satisfaction in what I have.”
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She does express it very well
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