I’m not writing much these days on the vagaries of being middle-aged without children.
Maybe this is because I’m becoming ever more insular, thus limiting the opportunities for awkward social situations. I seem to mix with the same people all the time, and I live in a different country to my relatives and their kids. Or maybe I’ve got it all out of my system, here on this blog.
I’m just finding it’s not something I think about much any more. Caring about my childless state has dropped right to the bottom of the list, faded into insignificance. Way, way beneath things like:
Work LESS!!!
Change job? Give up job?
Start business???
Move house?? Renovate house?
Take more holidays!
It might have dropped off the list entirely.
I recount this because I want people to know that feelings shift. I’m not saying that everyone becomes less bothered as they get older, just that this is my experience. Have others of my vintage found it to be this way, I wonder?
It might give hope to someone who needs it, somewhere.
Saying that, I’m sure that something will piss me off again soon and I’ll be back on here ranting about it before too long.
“I’m just finding it’s not something I think about much any more. Caring about my childless state has dropped right to the bottom of the list, faded into insignificance. . . .”
I’ve been hitting this too. I think the reason is that my blog has given me a much needed outlet. I’m safe to write out all the emotions that have come with this trauma AND there’s support. It’s been life saving, but also life altering. And I don’t think that I would be in this space without having had the ability to have all I’ve lived through validated in this way.
Here’s hoping that the peace you are feeling continues. Not feeling ranty is a wonderful thing.
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Thanks Christy! I think the blogging definitely helps to purge things
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When I first read “I seem to mix with the same people” I read it as “I seem to mix with the *sane* people.” And thought: what a great idea! Good for her! Regardless, I’m glad you’re in place of release and feel like you’ve dealt with the emotions. Some days I can feel myself getting there too (albeit by a different route). There is just maybe the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
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Ha Torthuil that made me laugh (befriending the sane people)!
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Why don’t you get a kitten?! Or take up bungee jumping?! (insert sarcasm face here)…Do people even bungee jump anymore? remember when it was a thing.
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I think too many people landed on their heads and it disappeared
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Thank you, this is a comfort 🙂
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Hi Rambles x
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I’m not quite there but in bits and pieces it occurs – for me it’s this wondering if I should be feeling guilty about wanting to buy our land and build our house and not wait to see if we ever get picked by a birth mother – the concept of not putting our lives on hold anymore is kind of brilliant without IVF stopping things, so while we’re not fully planning on childlessness because of the adoption potential, after our first attempt saw the door slammed shut after a 2 year wait, we don’t see this final attempt as any sort of guarantee. More and more my thoughts are around selling this house rather than preparing for parenthood.
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That limbo / suspended animation is the hardest thing to deal with and a relief to shed. I was in a kind of paralysis for a while because I didn’t know which way things would go, it coloured every decision (or non-decision, usually..).
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Welcome to the club, DS. Acceptance brings us gradually into what you are experiencing. I don’t get bothered by much of the fertile world anymore. In five years of blogging, I think there are maybe a half dozen posts where I mention my infertility experience. Which means that’s how often I’ve thought of it in those years. It reminds me of a favorite quote by Joseph Campbell; We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
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Thanks Lori, I love hearing that
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Thank you for sharing! I’m happy to hear that the feelings continue to shift over time. I am in such a different place now than I was a year, two years, and three years ago. To think that one day what all I went through won’t bother me every day is really really cool.
I like your list. Have you thought about starting with the “take more holidays” one first? Don’t forget your camera! (I say this for my own selfish reasons haha. I love your posts with your travel pictures.) 😀
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Ah thanks Phoenix! Yes, I went from cold sweats at 3am about my future to virtually nothing on that front – now it’s mundane stuff like getting the house fixed up and sorting my job out; thank god.
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I’m definitely not of your vintage, but I am your tribe. And yes, this is normal, and so wonderful to hear!
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Different Shores, I think this is a good sign, so I’m happy to read this from you :-). I love your list, too!
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Thanks Elaine 🙂
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No doubt there will be some rants in your future 😉 but may they be further & fewer between. 😉 I will soon have been blogging 10 years (!!), which I would never have imagined 10 years ago — but somehow I keep finding things to write about (albeit not all infertility & loss related). I will say that while there’s still not a day that goes by that infertility, loss &/or childlessness don’t pop up in some way, shape or form, there’s a whole lot less angst that goes along with it. 🙂 And that’s a good feeling!
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I do remember you from at least seven years ago of those ten – you were one of the early ones that popped up when I was looking for some reassurance about the possibility of living without “a family”… so thank you!
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